To be filled with the breath of God is to be filled with the power of our own spirit and feelings allowing them to move freely through us without prohibitions or censure. It is to open our selves fully from our hearts to encompass the REAL breadth and height and depths of our experience, holding nothing back. It is to overcome the blockages of the mind or mental defensive constructs implanted into us from a numbed out society and to be so inspired may seem like a form of madness to powers that be who would rather we stay silent or pretend or keep our so called ‘irrational’ feelings buried deep inside.
These are further thoughts that occurred to me again this afternoon on the back of reading Christina Rasmussen’s chapter on Getting Real with Grief. She explains how essential validation is to the grieving and healing process, without it we get sent into madness and illness in some form or another or into denial of the truth of ourselves. It then becomes harder to live freely as we truly feel whilst honouring a process that many in our society seem unable to cope with, validate or affirm.
Today, I read back a couple of posts where I was almost blaming myself for not being able to move on and forward through my own grief challenges, when the truth was that in most places I tried to express it, I found myself being blocked. In fact in my last relationship, I was not validated and further more I was made to feel I was bad or wrong for feeling as sad as I did and I was still in many ways trying to move through so many unresolved losses, most especially the death of my father.
I see now that my ex’s own grief process could not move past the twin defences of denial and anger and so he had to reject mine, same thing with my ex husband and yet I continued to blame myself for doing something ‘wrong’ to push them away as they blamed me for it. I have forgiven them both now as I see it was not meant for them to validate me, that was, in the end my job. Being left twice set me on a journey to find the right therapist for my own grief to unravel and uncoil as well as start this blog on the back of a painful and unnecessary sinus operation in 2013 all around the anniversary of my father’s death.
I now see why I started to get the ‘spins’ when I tried to go to those who tried to tie me back in knots shaming me cutting me off or invalidating me further in my expressions of grief such as anger. self blame, shame, confusion and longing. I also understand an element of panic attacks to be associated with grief and overpowering fear of how my emotions would be received.
Christina addresses this subject of having to dumb and numb our grief down in those places others cannot cope with it and have not a clue in hell how it feels to have their own hearts ripped out of their chest by loss. I experienced this so often in my family, most especially with my older brother who I made the mistake of opening up to about my earlier losses which included terminations of pregnancy. He and his wife encouraged his daughter to have limited contact with me, and I was treated like I was a toxic substance. I was in the end shamed and feared. I see it all clearly now and its freeing to finally be able to call a spade a spade. Similar thing with my mother. The massive row we had over invalidation of my grief saw me take off for the next major town at 11 pm at night because at that point I was homeless. I ended up living in my car for a few days before I ended up with my Godmother who eventually asked me to leave. I could not trust that I would have a safe refuge in many places and that is why I ran and I DIDNT WANT TO HAVE TO SHUT MYSELF DOWN ANY MORE..
The trouble is that grief and grieving do not look pretty. They are not rational, they are deeply emotional and guttural. The grieving of certain cultures is far more honest than ours where wailing is encouraged. How many times did I see my older sister in the care home trying to give vent to this kind of grief? And yes she was pathologized for it and medicated into death.
Over to Christina
Strong people hurt. You’re in pain. Strong people hurt. Endlessly. Quietly. Those of us who carry these invisible losses in our hearts find it tough to talk about them. We think its easier not to say anything about them. And at some point we bury them so deeply we cannot even see them ourselves.
I do think our bodies carry the burden of this heavy cost of silence though and for some of us it manifests in disease. The alternative is to acknowledge our losses and grief including even the hidden or invisible ones that Christina addresses in her book : all those losses that go with the loss of a loved one or a significant relationship or strong attachment.
Getting real with grief and loss means acknowledging it physically in some form, giving the feelings expression. We can do this as Christina suggests by opening a dialogue with our grief. Sitting there breathing into our hearts and asking grief about what is going on inside we can do the hard work of getting in touch with our feelings without burying them any more. In this way and by listening to the answers and truths grief has for us we can finally begin to hear the silenced language of our own hearts that may have never found an outward channel before. This is a process which Christina calls ‘the grief cleanse’.
I wish I had been able to know of this process so many years ago when I was suffering my own losses and grief. I wish I had found a therapist like Christina and my current therapist Kat so many years ago. Today in therapy I cried for all the lost years in which I was unable to feel deepy and got abused in another relationship, that said I now accept that was part of my healing path.
I will close with this excerpt from Christina’s book, Second Firsts : A Step By Step Guide to Life after Loss
Many people avoid reflecting upon their grief because they fear feeling pain. What they don’t realise that a good portion of the pain they feel is actually the pain of their resistance to grief. When they do this exercise (of opening to grief and asking it about what it feels or has to reveal to us that we have buried before) the pain lessens and they start to feel relief. I’ve even heard people say it feels good -pleasurable – to experience the grief. By ensuring that your loss is fully experienced, and properly acknowledged, you’ll make room for yourself mentally – space in which you can slowly begin to imagine a life without loss.
Emerging From The Dark Night 