After posting my last post Jasper and I went for our late morning walk by the lake and had two very special encounters. One was with a lady who was collecting kindling and her Labrador who was having a swim but got stuck trying to get out, the second was with a grandfather and his grandson sitting on the grass under the huge gum trees.. I always get a little frightened that Jasper may frighten children as he barks a lot but it is invitation to play barking. It got us in trouble one day with a grandmother who got scared even though Jasper would not hurt a fly (well that is not true he actually loves to catch and eat flies.. but you know what I mean!). The little boy could not walk yet but we struck up a conversation with the man over a number of interesting subjects like children and dogs and instincts and education. Such random encounters give me such a sense of life emerging and show me that even when I think I am alone moments of connection are possible.
While on the walk I thought of how I long to visit New York and that in time with my entrapment PTSD symptoms not being as bad I may have the courage to board a plane, then I got scared if Scott comes to Australia finally I may feel trapped, I know this about my Uranus in the first house that needs a lot of freedom to move and breathe but with Sun and Venus and Mercury in my seventh house relationships are important too.
Anyway I noticed lately that just before I feel the ‘pull’ to go out I meet a force of resistance, I remember this very strongly on the day I went to the craniosacral session after which I smashed up again at 5 pm in Cambridge and then ended up in hospital for 5 days. Good things come out of bad though as at the time of leaving hospital the foundation of volunteers “home from hospital” sent me a volunteer called Marlene who was actually from my father’s home town of Maastricht. Marlene was my one friend in those painful months around the first anniversary of Jonathan leaving me the year before and during the time the family I boarded with turned on me for being ‘too sad’ they also felt I should be at home from family who I was on the run from as they didn’t seem to want to recognise any feelings. Funny how all this stuff can get stirred up, but its all good.
I ended up going to Glastonbury then, as I have shared before and found some support from others in various states of flight or refuge from trauma. I still value the connections I made in Glastonbury. While there I had the opportunity to move back to Cambridge but Marlene didn’t tell me until I had booked my return flight home (all around the anniversary of my father’s death btw) that she would have liked us to share and live together. I miss Cambridge a lot I really do and often wish I could have stayed there and shared with Marlene, that said I would not have had the final years with my sister Judith who died a few years later and my Mum as well. Life is such a succession of choices as I see it and all too often they are motivated by all kinds of fears or lack of larger awareness.
Anyway I am feeling happy today. I got a lovely walk with Jasper I managed to express my process and I will go out soon and do some other things I need to do. I am also so grateful for the love here. So so so grateful to those of you who read and comment. I want you to know how much I value you, yet again and love reading your posts and poems and about your journeys. WP has saved me more times than I recall and I will always be so so grateful for the loving connections I have found here over the past 5 years of blogging.
Emerging From The Dark Night 