Disappointed

I should not have hoped for this.

Arms to hold me in the pain

Someone to be here

Come sunshine or rain

And understand that what I needed

May be so very far from what I say

I should not have believed you

Every single time

You said that THIS TIME it would work out

Only to be disappointed again

I should not have put my centre of focus

On someone

Or something else

Outside myself

When I needed to keep it so firmly wrapped

Around my own heart

At least for the years I was healing

From the scars

The deep wound of unlove

And yet

Opening my heart again

Has shown me somethings :

The depth of the wound

The intensity of the longing

The truth of all the other times

Repetition compulsion just bought me more pain

And also blocked my ability to love

I hoped for someone who

Could allow me to need

When really I needed to learn

To allow myself to need

While knowing life and other people

Are inherently unpredictable

And liable at times to promise

Far far more

Than they could ever

Really deliver