I had to give up today finally on helping Scott. Have been crying for a lot of the afternoon though I know its the right decision it still hurts. We got blocked each and every way too many times now and I cannot bear to try again. I am glad that I happened upon that book on expectation hangovers a few weeks ago though, as I noticed this afternoon when we were texting and both of our thoughts turned black that there is another way to think about not getting what we want, and that is to see its not meant to be for the moment. Sometimes I do believe letting go is the difficult but best way, it may mean that we really need to feel some painful feelings we would rather not feel, but as they say all the time in the AA Big Book ‘we thought we could find an easier softer way, but we could not’, sometimes we just have to take the tough stuff like disappointment and failure and frustration on the chin and not allow ourselves to be so defeated we don’t look for ways to be happy again.
I also got a cute kids book out of the library to read on the Disappointment Dragon last week, it was saying that when we get visited by disappointment and our tendency is for us to engage in defeating hurtful angry thoughts, we then tend to end up in the sloughs of despair, unless we can turn our attitude around and reframe it. I am not talking about going into total denial here but on moving on from deep hurt and disappointment and giving ourselves some inner encouragement that we can move through it. Its not been something I have been able to do very well in the past I am realising lately. At times it means cutting too from damaging people or situations and if we are on our own or have abandonment anxiety that can sometimes be triggered.
For myself my impulse has been to keep trying harder to fit square pegs into smaller round holes at times and it hasn’t ever really ended well.
Any way I love how in her book Christine Hassler talks of how we can notice our thinking when disappointment hits and keep a log of what we are telling ourselves in the aftermath. This situation with Scott has been going on for over a year now and I decided I am at the end. It wont mean the end of our relationship just that he wont be coming home for possibly well over two years. He was very very very down today, he was having suicidal thoughts, I know how that feels. I was there the other day.
Tonight I gave myself an encouraging pep talk. I told myself that the disappointment over this not working out as I hoped will pass in time and who knows if there are not other opportunities around the corner. I would like to do some training possibly to be involved with teaching English as a second language. I also noticed in the local paper last week there is an opening to help mentor kids at school who struggle with reading. I always regret I never finished my primary teaching degree back in the 1980s but it may not be too late to get involved in some small way in helping kids who need it.
The best way out of disappointment lays in looking for new opportunities and keeping as positive an attitude as I can. Tonight I lit the fire and I am making a nice meal. I cried a lot this afternoon but it did pass in time. I want to keep nurturing hope as I don’t want to end up back in that place of suicidal despair I was in earlier in the week.
Emerging From The Dark Night 