This is a subject I have been thinking about a great deal over the past while. I sometimes get that yawning pit of loneliness open up in my tummy on days when Jasper and I have not always been able to connect with anyone much. I loved our wild windy walk by the lake again today. The air/wind temp must have been below 2 degrees but never the less it felt enlivening to rug up and face the elements. We walked for a while and then I sat on a cliff looking out across the lake. I then went to the veggie markets, had a hot drink and got my veggies and a pie for lunch. I stress quite a lot about food since my cancer. Gooey pies are not the best for me, usually I try for a really healthy salad along with something warm, but it could be that I have a level anxiety today as for four days I had no word from Scott and that is highly unusual and I was woken at 6 am by a series of texts which I have not even read, usually I keep the phone off but today I had it on.
My sleep cycle as been all over the past since that body work session I had last Tuesday, I am starting to come right but it did mix me up. I tapped some deep emotions during it but when I got home it was late and I was very hungry and I ate out of schedule and that combined with the tissue salts she gave me has been having an effect but I realise I am dogged so much of the time by fear and apprehension about every single movement towards connection that I make, sometimes the connection I am longing for is to myself, especially if I reach out to those who are not that emotionally connected or grounded. I suffered yesterday after meeting with my mother’s friend again. She is in control of our family finances and it bothers me that Mum made my other sister executor of the will when due to her depression she does not feel up to managing the challenge, as the youngest I wont have any control unless one of my siblings dies or it is decided my sister’s psychological health makes her unable to do it and that troubles me a lot. My mother’s friend was trying to lay down the law yesterday about it and that triggered me but I have to be careful as she told me a few weeks ago no one wants much to do with me because of my anger. Believe me I only ever blow off steam for a very good reason and some painful incidents from the past where I was put on the outside for expressing emotion came back to haunt me over the past 24 hours.
I was thinking of how Gabor Mate makes mention in his talk of how powerful our need to be attached and connected is and how detrimental it can be for us to connect to those who end up using that connection against us in some ways. I know in my last relationship my fear of abandonment twinned with my desperate need to be connected (even to denying and unavailable or actively shaming sources) often over ran me and I ended up with breast cancer 5 years after coming out of this relationship and being back with dysfunctional family as I was left homeless at the end of it.
Now since my Mum died I have bonded with a guy I am lending money too and its not 100 percent guaranteed its genuine though my heart and soul and other evidence tends to support everything he has told me, never the less today, after a four day break of no contact, I have resisted replying to or even reading his messages. I know I am feeling scared right now, however I also know I am more aware than even a few years ago of how I can give myself away, that said its not much fun being saddled with twin fears of abandonment and engulfment. I know I am most certainly not alone in this and its something I am really going to have to come to grips with if I ever want to have another relationship.
I heard from a guy I briefly connected with back in February yesterday, I actually called him by accident. Things didn’t work out as I felt he tried to push things to a physical level a bit too quickly and this happened in my last relationship, I buckled a little and then managed to set a boundary. He ended up having an accident and I felt guilty for not reaching out to see how he was although my therapist affirmed I was doing the right thing by honouring my inner voice and feelings. I shared I was not comfortable with other things (and often in this situation my CEN pattern is to make myself wrong) note : CEN = childhood emotional neglect. Anyway he was very guarded and frosty when he called me back, I told him I had thought about him a bit (which was totally true) but I didn’t call back as I didn’t feel equipped for this relationship considering all that was going on with Scott. I awoke last night feeling guilty again but I know that is my old pattern.
I am feeling great anxiety right now as Scott has been texting me again while I wrote this, I am due in therapy in 2 hours and I really want some time out from all of these money issues right now. The longing to connect has sometimes got me in trouble in the past, its still a fine line I tread between trying to find ways to take care of myself and also be in relationship with others. I wish it wasn’t so fraught with anxiety for me and I know its affecting the health of my breast tissue as my body is itchy just typing all of this. Cancer returning is a real fear of mine and I really wish more research was done into emotional/stress/anxiety factors as I know they play a far bigger part than just food or drugs alone. I will do some praying now and try to tune into my own inner guidance of what is best for me to do with regards to connection and contact over the next few days.
Emerging From The Dark Night 