The Sun shone its glittering pathway across the lake after bursting out behind grey storm clouds. Several cars were parked at the windy beach where the tide lapped the shore and ducks battled the choppy swell, at moments like this I most feel the veils between the worlds thinning as tears make their way to the surface of my eyes and fall. I stood in the bracing wind for 5 minutes and felt my feet on the sand just grounding myself there on the way home from therapy an hour ago.
Possibly there is a deep connection I feel between the dying of the light and times of death which resonates with the feeling of loved ones leaving me. Reading some of my poems earlier in therapy, Kat made the comment that the woman walking a solitary soggy path in my poem, Shattered Heart was a powerful image of how my lonely childhood felt. It also called to mind the time I ended up in Glastonbury so far away on the other side of the world following my second accident, just over 14 years ago (God can it be that long?) with a lot of other lost souls. The shattering loneliness of that time I can never fully express, many days I found my way to the Magadalene Chapel where many visitors leave prayer requests scattered upon steps in front of a make shift altar. Some request prayers for loved ones who are ill, are dying or have died, some speak of lost love and heartbreak, others are pleas for healing our schism with Mother Earth very much upon my mind as I listen to programmes on the way the coral reefs are thinning by up to 30 percent now.
Safely ensconsed at home now, a curry is on the stove and soon I hope to light the fire, I feel quiet tired, it seems to have been an intense week or more since the Solar Eclipse and as the Sun moves slowly towards opposition with Saturn and Pluto, memories of earlier losses and death surround me as the dusk settles around me but my heart feels calm and content this evening, even if my eyes are tired.
I listened earlier to a very interesting interview with a rock journalist, Andrew Stafford who has written a book on the many songs that have provided a soundtrack to his life, certain songs really sparked my own memory but the most interesting one he shared about was by the New Zealand musician Tim Finn and sadly I didn’t catch the name of the song but it was about the constancy of change and transformation, both very Saturnian and Plutonian themes.
Luckily I can discuss astrological cycles in therapy with Kat, she was asking me why things are so intense right now, we are in the dying phases of a Saturn Pluto cycle that reached a crisis around the time of 9/11 in 2001. I need to look back to when that cycle began but I should imagine it was around 38 to 40 years ago. There was also a very interesting interview with Philip Adams about cycles of innovation and forces that resist such innovations playing out. The theme of forces of change meeting powerful forces of fear or resistance is another critical theme of the Saturn Pluto cycle.
It is said that the one constant in our lives is always change. Those gifts we receive do not always last forever, although love may be an exception. I think of the love I have for both my parents now and the love I feel for my sister and brother and my other sister who died as well as her four sons. I was crying in therapy today as I got a message from my dead sister’s oldest son this week and it broke my heart to hear he is having to work so far away from home in another country right now in order to make ends meet financially. I kept thinking if only Mum’s estate could be sorted I could give he and his wife some help but I know my other sister is not a fan of this particular son and that makes me so sad us being all part of the same family. My heart really doesn’t know a lot of barriers where love is concerned, I still have love in my heart for all of my family even the ones who choose to maintain large distances or are too busy to connect. I understand why, its all down to family patterns really and busy busy externally focused lives, as is fitting those living in younger ages.
I know so much I am powerless over, but I do have power over a lot too. I am so glad I chose the therapy pathway and especially with a Jungian based therapist. Kat just gets me in ways I have never been got by many other people in my life, sadly she is going on a three week break on 20 August. I was crying about it today but she believes I am stronger than I think, she is still going to see if a colleague can step into maybe see me once a week during that time. I rely on my two weekly sessions so much, I always come away feeling so put together and complete. It took me years to find Kat after I left my great therapist Wendy in the UK back in 2001 and leaving her was so so sad as I had my first major breakthrough with her and some very powerful dreams that prefigured me finding my way to her in 1999. All in all though I know I am on a pathway that leads me deep into my soul and my ancestral soul and I feel most close to my ancestors at dusk as the sun briefly peeks its head from behind clouds sends its shining pathway of illumination toward me. At times like this I am filled with grace at the knowing of being alive as the continuation of a line of life that will probably end with me. I know such moments of grace, connection and peace will pass but that makes them all the more precious and real when they do occur.
Emerging From The Dark Night 