My struggle with the Censor.

I am always grateful to read blogs that are so open, raw and real. I appreciate the honesty it takes to write things in this way as I so often censor myself. I had another experience today of someone trying to make me feel wrong for expressing so much emotion. It shouldn’t confuse me any more but it did. I chose to see this person again even though they have invalidated me in the past but I did reach out on the Awakened Empath page a while ago to see if others went through something similar.

At times my inner critic tries to make me feel I am making all this highly sensitive empathic person stuff up but come to think of it that is no surprise because I was often invalidated in childhood and many emotions of mine had to be either suppressed or repressed. I have been lucky in past weeks to come across more books that affirm the place strong emotions can play in our healing. I fear all the time being seen as a passionate intense person, I don’t want to be ‘over reacting’ but at times I do have strong reactions to things, I guess in my family I saw emotions shut down so often and two sister whacked with a bi polar diagnosis that I do not feel has been fair at all and it seems to happen to women more than men (or it happens to emotional men who had a lot of childhood trauma like one of my nephews).

I was so upset today when a friend of my family tried to imply my sister was not up to dealing with certain things. I know my sister needs protection at the moment as she is really struggling and the issue is to do with inheritances and money and trusts all things that have to be dealt with but bring up the deeper wound in our family which is that Mum and Dad struggled to achieve materially and that covered over emotional problems and woundings and ancestral lack of connection issues of exile and scapegoating that seem to have replayed over the past four generations.

I was reading that Mercury, planet of communications and journeys and mind and perception turned retrograde (backwards) on Monday. I missed this earlier. It was at 4 degrees of Leo at the time exactly opposite my Mars Saturn Moon conjunction. The Mercury backtrack will last until 31 July and on the 19th Mercury will slip back into the final degrees of Cancer before turning direct on 31 July. Sun/Leo rules father/individuality drives/self and Moon/Cancer rules mother/emotional attachment and bonding soul issues so these are the issues that will be addressed or highlighted over the next month or more and we have a partial Lunar Eclipse next Wednesday and at this the Sun in Cancer will be conjunct the North Node while the full moon in Capricorn will be on the South Node showing old patterns and energies to be released. Cancer is very emotional and thrives on attachments and feelings, Leo fights more for a sense of individual self.

Ideally we need both energies and Leo will help us to fight for our right to emotional sensitivity and help us to find the strength in it allowing us to hold respectful yet firm boundaries against emotional invalidation by forces in society that may rather we numb out. dumb it down or just tow the line. Its a bit of what I experienced today.

I was also thinking how my Mum and Dad’s generation born with Neptune in Leo often had a sense of self erased by the institutions of the time. They were children born during the 1920’s in the aftermath of World War One which saw the decimations of millions of men (and Leo is a male energy) and they lived through the depression and knew the deprivation and struggle of that. In many cases they had to be super stoic to get on and my Dad I think defended against this sense of vulnerability by trying to become as economically secure as he could, however that quest became a little bit like a run away train grinding the health of our family members underneath its wheels from 1979 onwards to 1985.

I carry the memory of all of that cellularly and today I was holding my head because the energy around my brain was so consciously intense in a way it has not been since my second accident back in 2005, the anniversary of which has just passed in the last month. I found myself in tears with our family friend today speaking about the sorrow I feel for what my Mum lived through with two daughters labelled bi polar and three daughter abandoned by husbands who could not stick around and of course we lost Dad in 1985 which was a massive cut to all of the family and on the back of what happened to my older sister fragmented us all in many different kinds of ways.

Anyway my blog seems to have morphed now into something far far different to what it started out as, a post to talk about how so often I feel the need to censor my intense feelings in order to make them fit for human consumption. I just read a very powerful blog earlier of a person in therapy struggling with her mother wound and trying to contain the full brunt of emotions, I was so impressed by her ability to articulate an intensely complicated struggle and relationship and to find words expressed that seemed to resonate so deeply. Maybe I am at the moment being hard on myself with Mercury opposing my natal Saturn that so often just sees me as defective in each and every way. I know I work hard to articulate my own process, its just at times I wish the fucking censor would take a hike and stop me from venting the full truth of what I feel in order that I can both validate and release those powerful and passionate feelings. When I do this then life energy is sure to return to me.