I don’t know how many of you know what phase of the moon you were born under. It was a thought that occurred to me driving home after my walk with Jasper in the bush around the lake. I was thinking how over the past few days leading into the Cancer New Moon Solar Eclipse how it felt as thought I revisited the dark dark days of my first few years back in my home town, when I was still so so lost and trying to find my way back home to myself. And then it occurred to me that I was born a few hours before a New Moon Solar Eclipse myself and if you are born during this ‘balsamic’ phase there is at that time no Solar light shining. The Moon was actually 11 degrees behind the Sun when I was born on 4 February 1962 and I have a heap of conjunctions between my planets which means they are almost combust the sun and my Sun squares Neptune and an astrologer made an observation that as a baby I was very much a sponge for everything going on around me and in that first year my entire family was grieving for my Grandfather who had cancer.
Poppa Lester was actually my Mums’ step dad. Nana married him when Mum was 14 and she and Nana had 7 years alone struggling as poor single parent family very far from any other family at all. Mum loved Poppa as did all of my siblings but I never got to know him and my father’s mother also died when I was very very young. So from an early age there was death in the family and sometimes it feels as though I live in a deep dark underworld place. I had began to feel in recent months I was finally coming out of this place but the past few days have been very very intense in my body and I have been crying and crying.
I just had a second spiritual encounter with a swan on my walk but this time in a different place to last week. The coincidence really struck me as it was Thursday last week I encountered two swans at the lake, this week it was just a lone swan that swam up and I fed it some grass from the side of the lake.
We are also in the depths of winter here so it may be not surprise things are feeling dark. I have had minimal contact with anyone this week apart from Scott and that is all about more help required of me and I am really frustrated at the moment. There is a deep dark aloneness around me and I ended up breaking down at the shops yesterday while waiting for a take away coffee and two older ladies came up and gave me a hug. I was also so grateful for my friend online who reached out to me. I know that our struggles are things our soul has to bear for ourselves, that much is clear, but just knowing someone understand and cares does make the difference at times between living and dying. I was back in suicidal territory yesterday, the impulse to end my life was so very very very strong. It came back today too but I forced Jasper and I to walk out in the fresh air. I had a body work treatment and I think it was not the best thing to do. It took me back into the trauma of the two accidents and I was totally overwhelmed the past two nights, I felt like I was going to explode again.
I feel the best way with unravelling trauma is to take it slowly softly and gently. I read a post on the Solar Eclipse yesterday on Aquarian Spirals which spoke of the need for softening and nurture. I had had a big breakthrough of love for my brother on Tuesday and I was feeling better before the treatment and my encounter with those three officials at the oval. That brought up the frustration of being strangled in expression and movement by the authorities. I took Jasper to a wild place today where he could run freely off the lead. Its what makes him happiest and helps him to get his energy out. I was boxed in for so many years and yesterday I had murderous rage over it, it was so so strong. I also saw how often its been me who has put myself to death, there was always an excuse but it was often not about what was real only what I had made up in my head I ‘should’ do. My older sister never asked me to put my life on hold for her and would have been happier had I been living my life rather than hanging around her but then in our family there has been nothing but emotional detachment and distance and for some reason I felt it was my task to heal that and be there.
In the post on the Solar Eclipse she was saying that now is the time to look at any roles we may have been playing and see how valid they are. things tend to die at eclipses and it may take some weeks for it to become clear what it is that is ending or needs to be let go of so that new life can begin to grow. Its all about seeds with the New Moon. Its all about the seeds of self nuture with Cancer and how well we are mothering ourselves and taking care of our souls. We exist in this world both to be ourselves and to be in relationships, this can be a dichotomy or a pull that generates a lot of heat or friction at times. The sun is about our sense of will and purpose as is Mars, the Moon is more about our emotional and familial connections and our ancestral themes. I am not able to clearly articulate what this Solar Eclipse is all about, astrology is never fully clear at the time and there is an emptying out and letting go during the balsamic phase.
I read years ago that those of us born during the dark of the moon are fated to have many intense relationships that do not last, and that rings true for my experience in life I seem to be forced to let go of people all the time and there have been a lot of people in my life who came just at the right time to help move me on to the next stage. The Buddha said that life is all about impermanence. It hurts to hold onto that which is past its use by date and sometimes the easier softer way is not always best. In the end there are no answers only those we feel from within, and then there are choices which have consequences we try to project but can never fully foretell. Life is such a curious mix and at times of change all we can do is open ourselves to ride the tides with as much grace as we can muster and if have to go kicking and screaming, so be it for in the end we are human and there is no one size fits all model for anyone of us.
Emerging From The Dark Night 