In my head

My Body Harmony therapist Robyn pointed out on Tuesday how in my head I am at times. I know the dissociation played a part in this, also I was sharing being left alone all the time as a child meant there was no human container for me at home. After we moved from the cosy smaller house where my two besties were the next door neighbouring kids, we were in a huge cold lonely house in a row of embassies. I remember coming home I would make food, popcorn or pancakes, I would spend a lot of time listening to my favourite records : Don’t Shoot Me I’m Only the Piano Player (Elton John) Goodbye Yellow Brick Road and A Song For You (the Carpenters), or I would watch TV. I was finding ways to be in my body but I also began to read a lot and I was even writing poetry as young as 6 years old which Mum would read then mock me about.

When Dad came home he rarely engaged with me at all, there was so much silence around my Dad. (This brings me to tears.) I shut the phone down on Scott yesterday and then he was asking me to please keep it on. I felt the need to be safe inside myself in case I get asked to send more money. Its not my responsibility to bail him out of his deployment but its gone so far now and we both cry when I say I cannot do it any more. I longed for my Dad to talk to me, to draw me in, to let me know he saw me. I know he defended me to my Mum behind my back he would say to Mum “her mouth is her defence”. Mum would rather be working or have a child that did not make any demands. And when she was home it was all about helping her and keeping everything neat and tidy.

All in my head? Where the fuck else was I to go???

Anyway yeah I read a lot but I do get my body moving these days. This has been a kind of stream of consciousness post. I find my therapist Kat the best one to engage with, she doesn’t try to shape or control me or make judgements of me, she just notices things and asks me my point of view and from time to time will make alarmingly accurate observations or tie things together. I am due for therapy in a short while and I am grateful for that. This body work session put me in the body but also since the body IS THE UNCONSCIOUS, it also put me back in my deep deep trauma and next time I do this I think I need a back up session with Kat a bit sooner rather than having to wait 2 days. That said it could be me trying to control the process from my head. LOL!

I am grateful though for the things that put me back in my body. Today I gardened and I made lunch and I walked and I vacuumed and I spent a couple of hours writing. I had another tearful encounter with a swan too. That was special. Its grey today, the loneliness and darkness disappears for a while when I write. I will be grateful to get my body to therapy in an hour or so.