I seem to be being triggered all over the place at the moment and some deep subconscious fears seem to be emerging. I read we are the heat of a Solar Eclipse right now in the sign of Cancer which rules emotional support and vulnerability or the lack of and soon the Sun will oppose Pluto as in two weeks we have Lunar Eclipse which always occurs during a light revealing Full Moon,
Anyway the abandonment trigger concerned Scott and the other trigger was reading a post on someone’s alcoholic father and that trigger wasn’t to do with my Dad but with the issue of how as recovering addicts we can struggle so much with being close to others and emotionally available and with the gun shy element that often sees us stepping back. I often wonder if attachment wounds ever really heal, if we could not consistently rely on support how exactly later in life do we heal that to be able to be consistently there for others, especially with the dual fears of/about abandonment and engulfment and how do we go about not rewounding others out of our own wounds.
I think I am making some progress in allowing myself to be close to others but I still get gun shy. I know Mum was often on a hair trigger and Dad never stepped into enforce a boundary when she acted out but just backed off and retreated leaving me burning up from what ever Mum did so I never felt I got protected and a lot of invasive things happened to my body by their lack of attunement and active disengagement. That is all repeating with my two siblings right now. If I want any contact at all I have to initiate it which is akin to being totally unseen, even though I know its not up to them to heal the wounds my parents inflicted.
I struggle on with my twin fears. I have to make another move to help Scott and its terrifying me. Things have gone wrong so often and I fall apart when things get blocked, here is someone who give me support and unconditional love and the Universe wont seem to let us meet. But then I think maybe I am not loving myself enough in my own wounded place, possibly, until I can fully be there for myself how can I expect others to do it?
Emerging From The Dark Night 