You don’t have to scratch me very deeply for a torrent of grief to pour out of me at the moment. I see to be fairly close to tears a lot of the time and my body at times resembles and ocean with scattered debris floating around in it. At times I feel my heart or head burn. I just got myself active cleaning out some closets sorting through all of my clothes. Since I moved back to my home town I seem to have accumulated so many clothes maybe a legacy of my family being in the rag trade for many years. I just picked up a few items of clothing I remember my mother giving me or shopping with for together and burst into tears with the thought. I thought of my sister and how I am not visiting today. I seem to find excuses to keep busy and not go. I don’t know why because when I go there I encounter a flood.
I use my logical astrological brain to make sense of this, remembering how many planets are in water at present and how Mars is now travelling deeper and deeper into my 12th house, the house of undoing or uncoiling and that is quite literally how my body feels so much of the time. Well I just checked and Mars at 28 Cancer and Mercury at 2 degrees of Leo are both squaring my Mars Saturn Moon and it was that deep sense of isolation and distance from others that I felt today after the meeting, as though a wall of glass separated us and I was on the other side and on their side it was opaque. I also tried to call my brother and nephew a while ago and no one picked up. Its fine on one level, its Sunday I am sure they are busy and so I went and cleaned out my cupboards, it seemed a constructive use of time. Still I know I can spend a lot of time alone in my world with my thoughts and it actually felt good today to move out into the clear chill clarity of a brisk Sunday morning after nights of storm and rain to reach outside of myself and get my body to a meeting even if it was hard to connect to others after it, maybe I really needed just to connect with myself.
I guess maybe I will carry this deep sense of soul aloneness for the rest of my life, I just don’t know. I think of the day my ex husband came to visit me at Glastonbury and tell me he had met someone else and I know today it around the time of year (26 June 2004) he rang me from the UK to tell me he had a job there and had decided to leave me. He didn’t even want to come back to Australia to pack up all of his things, apparently I was supposed to do that for him. He did eventually come back (he had gone on a month’s holiday). He stayed a month and I started to get panic attacks fairly much from the time he returned to pack his things. I managed them by going for long walks and on the 4th August I drove him 5 hours to Sydney to board the flight, returning the same night.
I don’t want to have to think of the loneliest place I then went to. My head injury lay one year in the distance and so so so much abandonment pain. I was sharing at the meeting today how angry I was that my family could not seem to help me go through the grief that woke up for me around 7 years into sobriety but I know in order to find true healing and forgiveness I need to accept that it was not God’s will for them to give me that validation. That said I am sure they tried to support me in the only way they knew and I may just be seeing all of this from my own self centred perspective.
After the head injury that I sustained in the UK my sister told me it was my fault for taking myself so far away. I have never fully recovered from the blow on the head and you would not know what I endure every day trying to wake.. takes an hour or two of stretching and spins and then at lunch and then in the evenings up to two or three times.
Anyway my life is what it is. My past is what it is. I have to accept every single thing that happened to me as all part of the path of my healing journey. I don’t want to carry bitterness forward and my choices are my responsibility, that much is true, I did not know what the full consequences of those would be until I had the experience which is a truth that was shared in the meeting today.
But it just seems to be sometimes that the degree of loss and grief I have gone through has been far too much for my body to contain. I am feeling very very sore today. I will relax and take it easy now, and I will get Jasper out to the oval for another run around in half an hour or so. It will do us good to feel the sunshine and connect with it for the afternoon.
Emerging From The Dark Night 