On tenderness

Tenderness has the capacity to open up the enclosed petals of my heart. When we are aching or in pain it is the tenderness of others that soothes and heals, I was thinking of how harsh some of my own inner voices can be at times and how much healing comes when I get a true perspective on that level of unkindness that can exist within the inner critic. Mine seems to be constantly pushing me on and telling me I need to try harder when really the opposite is true. I love some of the AA slogans such as Easy Does It and Let Go and Let God. Letting go doesn’t have to mean that we just sit back and do nothing, but rather that what we do is engage in effective action.

I run myself a bit ragged at times and I am not great under stresses such as when family are ill. I get triggered by the illness in my sister maybe to an intense degree because of the resonances of her life with the life of my older sister who died in 2014. I just called her youngest son to leave a birthday message and cried a little, I knew he would be too busy to take the call and the last call was not returned. I know at times it has been hard for her sons to have contact with us due to the trauma their Mum went through. Her oldest son and I used to be close but since my mother died he doesn’t reach out any more. My brother told me there would be no reason for Judy’s boys to visit here any more after Mum died and that hurt. I need to put my focus on healthy engaged and sustaining relationships. That said I am grateful for a close and meaningful relationship with two of Judy’s other boys and I value every call or contact.

I’ve really strugged with my anxiety and body symptoms this week I find getting into a calm loving space either at home or in nature is more helpful even than 12 step meetings where trauma is stirred up, I got a lot of identification at the meeting I attended on Tuesday but I was also very triggering. I have booked myself in next week for a body work session with a lady I used to see I have had a lot of pain in my body this week and it could be that my sister’s second bout with cancer is scaring me. I am due for a mammogram which I have been putting off.

Today I am so grateful to be sitting in streaming sunlight in a warm living room. Jasper is resting quietly beside me and I love the peace of the silence with just he and I, much as I love getting Scott’s texts and messages of love the ongoing pressure to help him in a society and banking world that seems determined to block it has finally got the better of me. I just want to rest and take care of my own life and my dog. I have helped a lot in my life and tried to be there for others, but I am just so so so tired of it now. I really need to give all of that tenderness to myself and practice self care. I also only want to be around tender hearted people these days. Its just too harsh on my soul to be with those who are full of bullshit and disconnected from the truth of the soul. Those of us who have suffered deeply should never have to apologise for or explain who we are, but never the less I will continue to advocate here for open disclosure and freedom from the harshness of dismissive, uncaring forces in this world (including those lodged deep within my own psyche.)