Everything will be okay

Visiting my sister on Sunday was tough but I am glad I did it. I reached out to offer her support for her radiotherapy which she has ignored, I feel she wants me to be me free finally from such obligations which is kind. I do have a right to my own life, I am not a selfish person but I have needs too, still in reaching out I gain and in giving I receive.

I am so grateful to those who offer me love and support here. I know I lose followers as we all do, I can only imagine that my day to day struggles are boring for some which is fine, everything really is, even though some of us go through such feelings of aloneness and isolation and feeling set apart from and different to that we can end up feeling like ending it all, if only we could see ourselves as God sees us we would see how loved we are and how precious and I read a lovely blog on this subject this morning by someone. I then had an idea of writing a letter to myself from God or my Higher Self, I am going to try that later and see what comes out of it.

I must say though that since I saw my sister I have been sleeping so so well I actually felt like everything in me was uncoiling last night, I was deep in the oneness of oblivion while still dreaming some very powerful dreams but I felt my entire body letting go from the terrible stress and holding on with white knuckles that I seem to have been doing for some time. When I woke about 7 am I had the phone off even though it was Tuesday I thought Scott would be texting I just let myself rest. I am letting go of everything right now and I just have faith that I am in a safe right pace of ongoing healing.

I have been shedding lots of tears and I feel more and more at peace with past memories. There was a programme on rock band Queen and Adam Lambert last night and it featured footage of Live Aid in 1985 that my best friend and I got tickets to shortly after returning from Greece that same year. I have a photo of us there I would love to post here later and it may work if I photo it with my mobile phone.

That was a very sad year in my life, being the year my dad died but there was excitement and adventure too with my travels abroad. I was lonely inside a lot of the time and very very sore because I had gone through two terminations in the two years previous and my ex boyfriend dumped me after Dad died only to reunite with me for a short time overseas and then slept with another girl on the Greek Islands while we were together and left me again. Luckily my girlfriend had been on a boat boarded for another island and she met a friend who knew us both and told her she had seen me on the boat to the island, Ios so Sue was there for me when all of this happened. Jim never really loved me and we were obviously not suited. But it still broke my heart.

Anyway all of this is in the past. My history with men and relationships has not been good, it has been riven with pain that is why my connection with Scott means the world to me. I have never met such a kind and loving person who always tries to understand my point of view and own his part in things. That said we just cannot be together right now and may be my higher power has a hand in this. Right now I am trying to figure out whether I may not just go for a bit of a break somewhere new for a month or so in August and wait for Scott’s deployment to finally end which may take another 18 months. I could do with a change of scene and I am desperate to just have some fun and joy and peace and happiness in my life, leaving the past in the past where it belongs yet knowing it will also always be a huge part of me and who I am. I have had the courage to explore my pain and feel my feelings and not everyone is brave (or stupid enough???) to do this.

One thing I know today my own happiness depends upon how close I live to my own particular values. I have to find the peace and happiness within my own heart by making as wise choices in this life as I can and I have learned much as I love others I cannot change where they are or their lessons in life, I can feel for them and sometimes may project a portion of my own pain or lostness in these kind of encounters but I also do not think it is healthy to let their feelings drag me down or block off my own life. Much as I am glad I got to sit by my older sister’s bedside and hold her hand during those last 12 hours of her life, I also wish for the life I had started over in the UK in 1999 – 2001 to have manifested. I would by now have completed my Diploma of Psychological Astrology and I am sure would have gone onto further studies, but that said I also know a big part of my journey lays in coming back ‘home’ for those past 18 years which is a nodal cycle in astrology and that I learned more by being here inside my family trauma so I could get a good look at it and feel the necessary grief over all of my past losses.

I also got the final years with my Mum and our relationship was fraught with difficulties at time and I needed so much more from a mother than she could ever give me and yet has had to have been enough. I now have a very very good therapist who makes up for me in helping me to understand the depth of my relational and attachment trauma, she validates for me the truth of what I went through where others would rather minimise or invalidate it. But in the end it has had to be ME who sees the truth. And so it is for all of us. No one outside of us lives our lives, they do not know how it is to live inside our particular skin or to have lived the life we have and that is why we always need to Keep An Open Mind since we never truly know what others have endured in life.

I am glad I got to develop compassion for all of my family and a deeper understanding. It has taken me a long time to accept who they are – mostly pretty damned disconnected and undemonstrative but I know that not everyone can reach out, that is something that comes with knowing how it feels to be alone and knowing how much it means when someone notices and takes the time to reach our a hand or heart in love to say “I understand”. Also its part of being an empath something we possibly also develop in traumatised families. I feel blessed to find so much warmth here on WordPress and so appreciate comments of love and care, followers do come and go but I so value the ones who stay and the mutual love and support. The sun is shining today so Jazzie and I will go out for our walk soon, little pupster has been waiting patiently for his Mum to get through her chores and do her writing.

On a final note I read in my lovely book Embracing Each Moment today some paragraphs on fun and joy. In it Anam Thubten who I would love to embrace as a spiritual teacher speaks of sweeping the floor while singing and dancing. He speaks about the Buddhist teacher who asked a serious follower “Are you having fun?” The woman was a bit offended, shouldn’t the spiritual path be all about seriously seeking enlightenment and studying deeper philosophies. But in the end its the joy that counts and finding that often requires of us to embrace the toughest and saddest of trials at times with an open heart and true courage. Life is precious, so very very precious and to be honest I really don’t want to waste another moment not being fully alive. So before we go for our walk I may just go wash the dishes and sweep the floor while singing to my favourite song. Happy Tuesday everyone. May your day have some pockets of fun, sunshine and joy admist all the other experiences and feelings.