Many of us who come from homes of alcoholism, abuse, neglect or trauma never got the kind of love, support, empathy and emotional holding or understanding we needed. We may continue to get involved in situations were we consciously or unconsciously seek the missing mothering or emotional fulfillment we require, but since patterns of wounding can repeat we can often end up attracting more of the same, healing for us involves recognising the old patterns and reaching for healthy support either through therapy or recovering groups and support networks. A saying that I often heard after joining Al Anon following the ending of my marriage was “Let It Begin With Me” this comes from the realistic knowledge that if we are involved with someone with an addiction, traumatic injury or other disorder we will continue to be frustrated should we look to them for the fulfilment of certain needs. I have also heard this described as seeking water from an empty well.
I am reading a book on helping those who are involved in a caretaker or victim, persecutor, rescuer pattern with those with narcissistic or borderline psychological injury at the moment. Parts of it are painful to read, though I have never been formally diagnosed with BPD I do identify with some of the traits, some of them I improved by getting involved in addiction recovery back in 1993, some I still struggle with such as fear of engulfment and emotional overwhelm. Many who have BPD actually have attachment and relational trauma (as my therapist explained it today there is big T and little t trauma, the first involves violence and sexual abuse, the second other forms of disruptive trauma that are milder but never the less very damaging) and so it is natural that when involved in new relationships old wounds and traumas will be retriggered.
If we have an anxious or avoidant attachment pattern it may be hard for us to sustain loving relationships with others who are not secure in their own attachment style (and lack empathy – often we will be attracted to those who do due to our past trauma). Our constant need for reassurances and fear of abandonment (which features as a push pull pattern with those of us who also have fears of engulfment) may wear others out and in time we need to learn how to strike a balance in what we demand or require making things as clear as we can at the start of a potential relationship what it is we need and this requires from us quiet a degree of insight into our own attachment styles as well as traumatic hot spots within. Ideally in the course of recovery we learn to get the healing in therapy or through meditation and mindfulness which helps us turn within to address our psychological wounds and aches and unmet emotional needs.)
Many of us from addictive homes or homes of neglect or with narcissistic parents learned to orient ourselves around their needs in order to be loved or get attention. We may find it hard to separate ourselves from other’s demands or illness or struggles, we may be told things that are not true to cut us down to size, prevent us from standing up for ourselves or living as a separate entity. This conditioning may have been reinforced by religious education as well which always encourages us to put other’s needs above our own. Ideally in healthy relationships others don’t ask us to abandon our own needs and feelings in order to make them feel more loved or comfortable, ideally we can also give in a mutually supportive way when our own cup or tank or well is full enough. Respect and love for ourselves and positive self esteem requires we seek to nurture ourselves first not at other’s expense. Only then can we be in a position to give to others.
With so many planets in Cancer right now along with the South Node (point of spiritual increase) it is really time to start paying attention to how well we are nurturing and caring for ourselves and others. Saturn in Capricorn opposing these placements (of Mercury, Mars, South Node and soon the Sun) shows us that boundaries around our own sense of authenticity with earthy practicality are needed now. Saturn defines the need for healthy boundaries and limits, on the shadow side it can rule defensiveness and a feeling of being less than that we may compensate for or have struggles getting out from under. I read something during the week on another site that mentioned the need to look at what perceptions we have around issues of judgement and shame, two other aspects of Saturn.
A very good book recommended to me by an astrologer many years ago is called The Soul Without Shame by Byron Brown. It is a while since I read that book but I remember it being chock full of insight into where shame and feelings of low self worth can keep us trapped in bad patterns.
For me recent challenges with my sister have echoed old themes and patterns I got caught up in with my other sister who was severely disabled in later life. Having two siblings who had struggled (as I have) as been challenging. At the moment I think I may need to get back to some group recovery work in either CoDa Al Anon. These programmes encourage us to keep the focus on ourselves and our own journey while loving others and being as much help as we can be when it is healthy for us to do so, otherwise our past patterns may tempt us to run ourselves ragged and look for healing or support from the wrong places or blame others when they cannot or will not meet our needs. When we Let It Begin With Us we take responsibility for our own life, sanity, peace, health and happiness. When we take responsibility for our own sore spots, wounds and trigger points we can also start to move toward more of a stance of personal power where we don’t get involved in a mixed up victim/persecutor/rescuer pattern.
Emerging From The Dark Night 