Put it away or put it all behind you : why it’s better to acknowledge what happened and how we really feel!

Seems to me we get so much silly advice in this world that is often the cause of throwing us completely off track about how we really feel and what we truly love. I am so grateful to the Pilgrimage Studio for linking to Teal Swan’s video on boundaries. She explains in the vid the true cause of how we get thrown off the scent of truth as kids when we try to express ourselves with parents. A few weeks ago I remembered one of the most painful and humiliating incidents of my childhood (and God knows there were masses of them). I remember as a latch key child I longed for my Mum to be home. I came home to an empty house every afternoon until Dad got home at 5 and Mum at 6 pm. I remember getting tummy aches because I wanted to be at home with Mum but if I was sick she would leave me at home with a plate of cracker biscuits and the most terrifying recording of the musical of Peter and the Wolf in which a boy is prey to dark forces in the wolf and has terrifying music.

Well this one time I had such a bad tummy ache and so my Mum called the doctor and he decided to give me an enema which he inserted in my anus and I had the most horrible, horrible icky feelings at the time, I remember feeling so alone, so ashamed and no one came to comfort me, I was left in the room all alone. I would often be sent to my room anyway which is about the worst thing ever you can do to a distressed sensitive child. Never the less when I got sober from addiction at 31 I wondered how being from such a ‘good home’ I could be an addict. Wasn’t I therefore a defective ‘waste of space?’ This thought is horrifying to me now, as I understand. I actually ended up screaming in rage about the enema incident a week or so ago and Jasper looked at me with big eyes but he never runs away when I am actively venting instead I see only concern and love in his deep puppy eyes.

Friday and Saturday nights used to be the worst nights for my drinking when I was in active addiction. I used to pick up a bottle of wine after work on Friday and drink most of it before going out and often trying to pick up someone all because I was so lonely. Nothing much used to come of these one night stands as such. I remember one time getting my entire record collection ripped off. I don’t feel like a disgrace writing this. Its important to share about it. I still can reach for the soothing of ice cream or chocolate or coffee on the lonely afternoons, I know there may be a better way of being with myself and acknowledging the depth of longing to be with someone but I also know the someone I most long for a lot of the time is my higher self or inner loving mother and this is apt because at the moments the planets Mercury Mars and now the Sun are in Cancer which has to do not only with mother but with the inner child and memories. Reading through followed posts today I see some of these themes appearing in writings and sharings.

Anyway I am grateful to know that its okay to want what I want, feel what I feel and know what I know. It okay to feel angry about things that happened and recognise the grief and sense of powerlessness behind he anger over what happened to me in the past. I spend a lot of time dismissing what I really want or feel and my therapist brings this up all of the time. I feel a sense of lightness and joy in recognising that maybe soon I may be able to finally let myself live and allow myself the desire to connect accepting when that does not come as not the right situation or time. Thanks for that Teal Swan and The Pilgrimmage Studio.