It doesn’t happen as much as it used to but somedays all I feel with in me is the wound, or what Eckhart Tolle calls ‘the pain body’ today it got triggered by someone breaking connection when I said I was too tired to talk to them at 11 pm last night but when this stuff gets triggered I know its not only about ‘the now’ but the deep past, both personal and collective. Jung believed parents passed on wounds to their children, fissures in the psyche can form in response to attachment interactions with a parent who carries their own ‘stuff’, both my parents were forced into loner positions and curiously both had Sun Mercury Saturn conjunctions, a tight collection of planetary energies in one sign, Dad in Virgo (where my Pluto is) and Mum in Scorpio (where my Neptune is) I inherited Mars Saturn Moon inconjunct Pluto and Sun Mercury Venus Jupiter South Node square Neptune.
I have a theory that personal planets of a parent or child can echo transpersonal planetary energies in the other and vice versa. For example a transit in a sign for a parent of a transpersonal planet may tie into immigrations deaths or separations and then turn up in the child’s chart as a personal planet, maybe giving a clue to what is carried (and I have also seen it work the other way around.)
Today I felt that gaping abandonment hole deep deep down in my tummy and core, this morning I was down on the floor curled into a ball with the pain of it. I have an inkling it relates to Saturn and Pluto moving closer to conjunction which often spells endings, transformations and deaths of ongoing structures in our lives. It could also have a lot to do with transiting Mars in Cancer. Ideally Cancer wants connection, bonding, nurture, to tie and bond closely to others, but Mars is more of a separating force (and so is said to be in its ‘detriment’ in this sign), so the desire to connect at the moment seems to be touching the raw spot of others being very busily engaged in their own Martian missions and that ends with me falling into my childhood wound at least until I can pull myself back out of it for a time and get a perspective on it.
I didn’t feel a lot like sitting around in that wound today after being curled up in a ball of pain for about 20 minutes, so I got myself out into the sunshine, not for a walk (it was a bit too chilly today ) but I sat in the car in the sun feeling warm and safe and cosy reading my book and having a hot drink. I then went to the shops and got lunch and bought two jumpers, the critic was on my case about this but I have the money so I just thumbed my nose at the critic today and let myself buy want I wanted to buy without feeling too guilty. Yeah I know some say shopping can be an avoidance or an addiction but I am typing this wrapped up in a cosy blue wool and mohair jumper at the moment I got for 20 percent off and Jasper is snoring contentedly beside me, so for me it feels more like a case of self nurturing (Mars in Cancer lol!)
I came home and cleaned out the care and contemplated making the trek over to see my sister in hospital, she is constantly on my mind at present especially on weekends which I know she finds lonely. That said I suffer loneliness too and no one is jumping out of their skin in care and guilt to reach out to me at present and I need to bear this in mind when I get to feeling guilty for not visiting her yet.
For myself I am just glad that I can acknowledge that I still have bright and dark days in my life. I got a magical day of peace and release and unity on Thursday which I so valued so I am grateful for that. I know if I can accept that the days will sometimes be painful and some times full of joy things will go along better for me. I know I carry this abandonment wound and it comes from the past too, for some reason I am still living the single life with my dog as a lone parent that my Nana lived after her first husband died. Dad died, and both of my sisters and I have been left by our partners. I have actually been left so many times that someone cutting me off for not replying can open up a pit so deep and raw I get to feeling scoured out. Its better to acknowledge this to myself and to hold myself in the middle of it and the practice self care than to just blow it off. There is a saying time heals all wounds but I am not entirely sure it is true, I think in time wounds don’t feel quiet as raw but at least for me I know they can still ache very painfully at times and that is the time I most need to practice extreme self care.
Emerging From The Dark Night 