I awoke feeling my body releasing, uncoiling this morning. I felt Mars diving down deeply into the soul life of emotion and memory lately, I sensed it dissolving and liquidifying there as shifting seas of memory floated around me. I love this time of day when the interweaving of the worlds of conscious and unconscious, day and night is more intact than it is in the bright sunlit day of solar consciousness. That said yesterday was a day of basking in the mellow radiance of the sun especially after therapy and a lovely catch up with my friend. Just having those few hours to talk honestly with someone and share both our lives enriched my day so much and made me realise that in the end connection and empathy and understanding are what my soul most longs for and most aches for when it does not receive it.
I was thinking of how in deep depression it feels impossible to connect with anything. It is almost as if the true deep rich and often painful soul life in us is buried under a heavy blanket, we feel completely depleted and drained of life and energy. For myself especially following my head injury I started to suffer very strange body symptoms. After Jonathan left me I started to get panic attacks and other weird symptoms but I now know my unconscious was beginning to open up and I was engaged in a soul retrieval process in which I had to relive every single painful trauma of the previous 28 or more years.
It is amazing to me what our body carries. I know that our soul lives in our body and although the body is only a piece of clothing for the soul never the less I believe spirit and soul enlivens each and every atom, cell and tissue of us. All our deepest healing and realisations take place deep in our body and our body symptoms mirror soul issues.
Its amazing to me lately how starkly certain experiences and memories rise up for me at times. I was thinking again of that scene in This Is Us where Silvester Stallone talks to Kevin about how powerfully past memories and present time interweave, in fact Eckart Tolle tells us there is just the now, past memories we experience in the now and yet they are also part of our soul stream a fabric of soul woven over time.
So should we dispel memory and feelings associated? Should we just tell others to ‘get over it’ or ‘put that all behind you?’ and how do we move on if we are not permitted to feel, understand and process it all?
This is personally where I feel dreaming and poetry and art and open dialogue help us, trauma healer Tian Dayton also believes in using psycho drama to tell the souls story, in therapies such as constellation therapy scenes from the past are played out with people in order to tap into feelings and patterns, understand familial impacts and imprints. There is so much soul guidance out there for us to navigate through each and every experience of our past in order that we can live a more fully embodied, engaged and fully awakened now!
I took great refuge in floating in the soul stream this morning. Scott had sent me the most beautiful texts about how my care has sustained him through the toughest times of his deployment. I could not abandon my friend, I may need to pull back sometimes to recharge but when I love someone I will be there for them. I realised today I want to be there for everything. I will have my times I need to go out and forget all about the past and have fun and play and celebrate how much beauty there is in life. There will be times I cannot breathe around all the complications and pain or despair of others. But there are times I will be able to be there to breathe through it with them just as I have had to do that for myself in my toughest, saddest most alone moments.
I cannot truly express this morning how much gratitude I have for the gifts of my life and that even includes every single experience of soul pain I have endured. I think when we open not only to our suffering but to the suffering of our parents and ancestors it is all for the purpose of growth in love, awareness and soul awakening. If we split and judge and sort and divide or cut off we don’t absorb that lesson deeply into our marrow and soul tissue, we don’t get to see how unconsciously a lot of it played out. If we never get through and integrate our sadness, fear and anger we stay trapped in some way. For me forgiveness had always arisen through a deepening understanding which has often required I travel quiet a long way down a particular road.
Today its the simple things that bring me the most comfort. The cup of tea with a friend, sitting close to Jasper, feeling the sunshine on my skin, watching something beautiful, writing my poems, I no longer feel as though I need to travel somewhere else to find meaning and purpose. I realised today that really it is all here, with me in my home town the place I felt I needed to run so far away from after my mother remarried following my father’s death. I returned here to come full circle exactly 8 years ago this month (just realised that!). I got to be there for my sister in her final 5 years and went through all the skirmishes and troubles with my Mum before she died in 2017, trying hard to reach reconciliation and healing as well as understand the deeper impact of her multi-generational legacy upon my own life. I got to sit by her side and hold her hand and cry with her and listen to her stories and feel her pain and go through the times she abandoned me and let me down again. And I got that final night with her on 10th of December where we sat in silence in the most profound peace and felt so deeply all the love and complications between us, I wrestled with my Mum because I needed to, I see that now. I was part of her but I was also struggling to be my separate self, to tease my individuality out of the twisted up stiches of a bequeathed ancestral legacy in order to weave my own individual soul journey.
God has been amazingly tough on me but amazingly good in some ways too. At just the right time he or she has put those on my path to help guide me or to do battle with so to grow more into my real self. I see it all more clearly now as the shifting seas of memory reveal open vistas I could not see before raising yet more realisations from deep within the oceanic soul depths of my ongoing spiritual life.
Emerging From The Dark Night 