Spun

Reality as such has felt extremely oceanic and topsy turvy for a while really. I am becoming aware of a bit of a schism between my head and my heart at the moment. One week with no contact with my sister feels downright wrong. I tried to call her yesterday but she didn’t pick up. I know I keep sharing about it but I could not bear to make the trip to the hospital yet, but it also hurts my heart to keep the distance. I keep trying to tell myself it is okay to step back and I may be making my own life more difficult by worrying as much as I do.

I also have heartbreak over Scott as he texted to say how exhausted he is. I do not know how the United States Government can keep those men there for over 18 months now with no break, facing the immanence of yet another 2 years. Its unimaginable to me. But my heart broke when I got the text. I cant even express it all in a blog. We have never met but the connection between our hearts is indescribable. I have never one time known this man to be nasty to me no matter how much he is going through. He keeps telling me its just his job to protect people its what he signed up for, but the reality of it entirely undoes me at times. Many of you know the struggle I have had with this to believe it is true and of course I am limited as to what I can share here.

I went out to get groceries and feeling a little lost I had a second cup of coffee which I really didn’t need and all the time my critic was saying that I am being a coward, finding it hard to face up to whatever life throws at me with wholeheartedness and that for years I have been protecting my heart.

It is also sad to read blogs about the unfeeling culture out there that exists in schools, where injuries and sensitivities are not taken seriously. Yes there is a time to ‘man up’ but when we encourage this kind of thing from boys who are genuinely hurting its just plain wrong. My heart felt a queer mix of anger and sadness reading this post. I was contacted a while back on Facebook by a woman who lost her son some years back due to the cruelty of the schooling system and its inability to adapt to ‘differences’ in children. It saddened me so much.

The last thing I want write is a ‘negative’ post, but sometimes when I go out into the world I see things spinning faster and faster. I often think of the lines of W H Auden’s poem, The Second Coming :

turning and turning in the widening gyre, the falcon cannot hear the falconer, things fall apart, the centre cannot hold, mere anarchy is loosed upon the world… the ceremony of innocence is drowned.

I am always glad to get home and return to my own centre but so many of my own anchors and reference points have disappeared in recent times. The losses of my sister and mother, the falling away of other relationships, the transforming of others, my struggle to meet someone and the thwarting influences of the collective institutions have so often broken my heart in two since December last year. I do draw comfort from the deep silence though. It seems in the deep silence I so often feel the calm that underlies all of mankind’s desperate strivings. I know I will return to that eternal now when I pass over too and I feel I return there in sleep at night which provides some release and comfort. but sometimes in the world out there and within myself I feel a bit like I am caught up in W H Auden’s prophetic poem. And so for now I just seek my rest within the silence of dusk falling.