It is my fault

I have done deep soul searching on my recent revisited conflict and I think there is a degree to which I was at fault. Maybe I was a little like a lion with a thorn in its paw so much had gone down over years and years. I was reading back about how (and I remember this now) around that time I spent several days with my Mum in the emergency department I was trying to take care of Jasper and the breast cancer treatment was not that long ago. I am not trying to make excuses but I think I may have reacted badly from that place.

I hate the fact I have hurt someone who tried to be kind and do a lovely thing. I was reading a lot of Thich Nhat Hahn this afternoon and he said often we can react out of wrong perceptions about the motives of others and at times when we are under fire or under a lot of stress added interactions can be just all a little bit too much. I have been overwhelmed to be honest for a hell of a lot of my life, biting off or having to deal with a lot more than I could chew especially since 2011 when I moved back home. Things are calming down now though my sister is still a source of a hell of a lot of worry. I spent about an hour on the phone with her today and she was silent for most of it, but I hung in there. She told me she never reaches out to anyone as she feels no connection at all. I said to her “but you and Mum used to have a good connection didn’t you?” She agreed. I then said “so correct me if I am wrong but her death must have affected you very much” she also agreed with that. I hung in for another half an hour before I went. I feel for my sister and in the silent moments on the phone often I find myself crying There has been so much loss. If people say this is ‘self pity’ that is their take. I am there for my sister. Its okay. I got off the phone and had a peaceful afternoon. I have let go of a lot of the upset over the last conflict. I can see where I may have been at fault. I need to own it publicly. I now need to go and make my dinner. Happy Tuesday everyone.