For resolution of hurt to occur we have to keep our hearts open. There are things we do when we are not fully conscious, there are things that we may say trying to work through a conflict that is not clear, connections we may make and then there is the feeling in our heart that may not be possible to clearly articulate. We try to meet others minds and connect to others hearts but often things just blow apart. My therapist was just saying that no reconciliation or repair is really possible in any relationship as long as attack and defences are ongoing. There are times we just cannot re connect at all, the hurt goes too deep and there is no possibility of repair.
I remember once my step dad saying to me, “Deb you need to learn the power of the unspoken word.” Those words are on my mind today as I consider things I apparently wrote a few years ago which I honestly have no recollection of. I wish I could just have meditated my way through conflicts or had someone closer to share about them with in order to get my thinking straight. There’s a fair bit of pain in thinking that I must have written them, memory is not always a dependable thing I guess. I often get likes on posts that I only vaguely even recall writing (especially poems which often come out of deep mixed feelings or triggers emerging). Dissociation is a large part of trauma and confabulation is perhaps a part of it too.
Resting in the silence seems the best place to be today. Keeping love in my heart even amidst a hell of a lot of accusations. Hopefully now I will not have to try to struggle to work things out all alone in my blog as much as I did when I first started it back after a Christmas I spent entirely alone following a very painful sinus operation back in December 2013. I think of the issues I was working through then on the back of a pretty serious head injury 8 years before, of the struggles to be there amidst my sister’s repeated psychiatric hospitalisations, Mum physical traumas (including a fall down a flight of stairs). My older sister’s death followed 4 months later and I thank God for my blog through that dark dark and deeply cold winter. There were days I was almost completely immobilised in pain and deeply suicida;. I was still fighting off all the things said in my last relationship and trying to make sense of why we always kept pushing each other apart. I was also having struggles finding an adequate therapist.
Five years later I feel pretty darn blessed to be honest. Even though I lost my Mum a year and a half ago and our relationship was fraught I feel the love amidst the pain and was so glad I could be there in the final years and keep working towards love understanding and acceptance. I have lovely blogging friends, and I have managed to make some real connections with a couple of my family members which I truly value. I have reconnected with my cousin and her son comes to walk Jasper for me on Mondays so I can go off to therapy feeling he is cared for and has some other input other than that of a single doggie Mum.
And then I have my connection with Scott and joy of joys today the bank finally returned to me most of the money that they held back from me back in December in suspicion of a scam when I tried to get Scott home for Christmas. I was a bit shocked to see my bank balance triple in an instant this morning as I was floating close to the wire with having sent so much trying to help him get out. I did a little dance of joy around the bedroom this morning when I found out this. I felt so much freer of at least one worry.
Today I am keeping my focus on the good things. I am going to the movies with two friends this afternoon. They are the ones who were overseas with me in those dark years and they left me in Switzerland at the end of 1985 to go to Belgium and it was then I fell pregnant on the first anniversary of my father’s death. I remember crying as they left to say goodbye as I had found work in Lausanne and they had jobs to go back to in Belgium. I don’t always find meeting up with them easy as it sparks the trauma of those years following my father’s death, but I will front up with an open hear and remember the love they have for me.
I am very very grateful for the power of forgiveness and for the power of love and commitment to healing, to trying to face up as best as possible to the tough stuff. Not all things are easy to forgive, at times its been hard to forgive myself for stupid mistakes. At times I have blamed myself for things out side of my control. At times I have had the wrath of hell thrown onto me and I can identify with it (having probably done it to others myself at times – all part of dealing with Complex PTSD). At times it nearly kills me but I know not all of the pain always belongs to me. As Kat said to me in therapy today, “Deb, you are a lightening rod for other’s with trauma.” How lucky am I to have a therapist willing to turn up for me on a public holiday on the day I needed it so badly? There really really is so much to be grateful for in this life and may I say its my blogger connections which have always sustained me and even the most deeply painful ones have taught me most valuable lessons.
Emerging From The Dark Night 