Assertiveness involves responding to the impact of one’s experiences, not just to another’s intention. For example, someone snubs you at work, and you say to yourself, “Oh well, he must be in a bad mood.” You excuse it and do not mention. You have responded to the intention in someone’s head which you have opinioned. A more appropriate way to respond might be, “I realise you are in a bad mood, but you hurt my feelings when you snubbed me. ” If you were to say this, you would be responding to the impact while acknowledging the intention. In this instance you would be taking responsibility for your feelings, and still kindly staying aware of someone else’s hard place. Of course, when the distress is extreme, you may choose to forego mentioning your feelings. For example, if you heard harsh words expressed by someone just stricken with grief, the better part of love would call for silence. Love and caring often demand our not acting assertively.
Generally you are not hurting someones feelings when you are declaring your own feelings. You hurt other’s feelings when the “I” statements of personal feelings become the “you” statements of reproach or judgement. When you state your feelings and hear: “You hurt my feelings,” you can validate the other’s feelings by saying, “I understand you feel hurt. I’m sharing my feelings with you and would like to have them heard, just the same.” Acknowledged the reality of the hurt, while still asking for a hearing.
EXPRESSING FELINGS
In assertiveness we are taking responsibility for feelings whether easy (e.g., joy) or painful (e.g., fear) by owning them. We are letting ourselves experience all our feelings rather than covering them up. There are no negative feelings, only hard ones to experience. Assertiveness means accepting the tender and hard parts of yourself. Accept the fact that you are vulnerable, caring, concerned, giving. Accept the fact that you are at some levels greedy or selfish or vindicitive, etc. Part of this is accepting our negative shadow, the features of ourselves that we disown and try not to be aware of. A way to find our own negative shadow is to examine what we cannot abide in others.
It is difficult to accept our feelings and sometimes they are so blocked in us (or stored in our muscles as tensions) that we need therapy to free them up. Our bodies are the visual image of our feelings. The assertive person lets go of these hold outs and shows others what he is feeling.
Intimacy is sharing feelings, not just data or even secrets. We may find it easier to tell someone something about ourselves that we are ashamed of than to show our feelings of shame. Freeing up these inhibited styles of communication is equivalent to taking responsibility for what we are feeling and is perhaps the most threatening feature of assertiveness.
Beauty could not accept the Beast because of his ugliness and finally, at the moment of his death, she shed a tear for him; she showed feeling for him and he turned into a prince. Every negative feeling that is in us will turn into somethings beautiful once we acknowledge and accept it. Frowning faces may even smile at us.
Extract taken from When Love Meets Fear : How To Become Defense-less and Resource-full, by David Richo
Emerging From The Dark Night 