This thought came to me again this afternoon after listening to more of Pete Walker’s writing on inner critic dynamics. In our society we are pressured to work hard, be productive, always be up beat and happy. Failure is often seen as a mistake that should never have happened rather than a lesson in growth or modification or learning, self correcting or adjustment.
One of my favourite saying in 12 step recovery is that we focus on progress rather than perfection because expecting ourselves to always be operating at peak efficiency and getting everything right is not only unrealistic is also discourages us moving forward if we get trapped in unrelenting inner criticism or self blame. Healthy shame does exist for a reason. Not all shame is ‘bad’. Shame may alert us to where we have not lived in accord with our values, or hurt someone. In this case we can admit it and attempt to make restitution so we can move forward but we don’t have to endlessly beat ourselves or others up. We can allow others to be as human and flawed as we are too and we can also cut ourselves and others some slack for being human and liable to fail or just be the unique shape and design that we or they are.
I guess I am sharing a lot about shame and perfection because last week I went to a 12 step meeting and it was on Step 7. That is the step where we ask Gods help to remove our shortcomings. The healthy thing is that we can admit to them. In addiction recovery we realise that we have very real flaws we face up to them and we ask for help, but we only admit to those flaws or shortcomings that are real, and as we work for change we don’t allow ourselves to beat up on ourselves expecting that we can be further along than we really are. And those of us with neglected developmental trauma naturally struggle due to no fault of our own. In fact many of us from damaged families often try even harder to heal the family dysfunction or feel ashamed for what was actually always outside of our own control. Instead of just focusing on our own recovery we get drawn in or try even harder in order to compensate for what we know are flaws. This is when healing gets problematic too, if we are expecting higher standards from ourselves than we are truly capable of at the time.
This is where I feel lately that I see so many struggle. We come down hard on our selves for perceived (reality gaps) which are really not our fault at all. If we take on the role of family mascot or healer we may be the one the struggles harder and harder to heal or correct what was not really our responsibility all along. And if we were not seen in childhood, or our need to be seen was so neglected the only way we could get it met was to revolve around others to become what they needed us to be in order to loved or seen we can end up sacrificing ourselves just for attention. It may then be very hard to keep the focus on our lives without the feeling we are being ‘selfish’. But is it really selfish to care for ourselves and our needs? Is it really selfish to put the focus on or own lives?
Learning to find the love we need from within means we give up the false idea that in order to be valuable or loved we have to be perfect, never angry, always kind, giving, self sacrificing. It means learning we have the right to be ourselves and feel all of our feelings without shame. I don’t really know if God wants us to give up defects of character as much as he or she wants us to be kind to ourselves (not at others expense) and more accepting of who we really truly are deep down inside, flawed or whole? Expecting something else of us may be just too much and it maybe be in the end driven by false ideas of shame which were never really real or valid in the first place, just projections we absorbed or false beliefs taught to us by a culture invested in us not being authentic, real and honest. Certainly we can own that in dysfunctional families we learn behaviours and attitudes that hurt and harm us and for happiness to be part of the equation again we have to surrender some of these false, limiting or destructive beliefs. We can come to believe we are good enough and we are human, we can struggle be imperfect and still know we are worthy of love, self respect and care, always. And if others wont give it to us, we don’t hang around long enough to argue. We go out and find the places where it is freely given.
Emerging From The Dark Night 