Stressed and repressed at the bank

Bad language warning!!!

Had to go to the bank today because three months later three quarters of my funds are still frozen due to the fear I am going to give it all away to Nigerian scammers. No matter what I said to the fraud lady ‘Cindy’ the bottom line is I am to be protected and when I asked for 7 thousand dollars to be released to help my nephew with a car they asked for evidence that this is ACTUALLY WHAT THE MONEY IS FOR .. … W T F. I had been prepared for this but they were not even trusting my nephew is actually who he says he is!!! FUCK!!

I felt like my head was about to explode as tons of chemicals rushed around and my heart was squeezing tighter and tighter in my chest. How the fuck can they do this to me? Its my own fucking money for God’s sake and they have had it on hold for over 9 weeks now.

The stand in Bank Manager who was on the phone to Cindy stayed pretty cool calm and collected through out. I had to sit down for part of the time and hold my head in my hands it was so sore and throbbing. It was not very easy to calm myself down. And its obvious due to the way I react I am considered volatile. I wasn’t rude or mean I was just expressing the way its impacting me. I am calm now writing this but winding myself down from the entire incident has taken a good two hours.

Maybe this would not trigger someone like me who has been ignored or blocked or disregarded for a lot of her life or who got crushed up in a car and then later split her head open after breaking out of a repressive marriage. Today in therapy we discussed how often I feel myself to be annihilated. My order in restaurants always gets mixed up, my brother is just ignoring personal emails, a friend who texted me to ask me to a movie just ignored the text I sent saying I was really struggling and would like to meet for dinner rather than a movie, people were talking over the top of me the other day. I’m not a bloody attention junkie but the fact that someone has the power over what is rightly mine to do with what I need makes me angry.

At the same time I know the bank genuinely has my interests at heart. Anyway the call to Cindy got disconnected and the Bank Manager this time at least seems a bit more determined to get the issue sorted for me. He asked me to come into see him tomorrow when we can have a private room and discuss what can be done to try and ensure my funds are released in time. Meanwhile my hands a pretty tied from helping my nephew which makes me feel powerless. At the same time requests for more help at this stage can squeeze me pretty tight maybe because I am a bit low on resources after helping my sis over the past week. That said I have tried to pace myself I had a really tough day yesterday of ongoing PTSD attacks. I had bad head pain for most of the weekend really. I am not sure what is going on but when my cousin’s son turned up to walk Jasper this morning I broke down in tears with him after he asked me how I was sleeping. I am only managed two or so hours before startle awakening which was a pattern that seemed to be starting to resolve over the past few months. I was able for a while to get up go to the toilet and come back to bed and settle immediately instead of spending one hour to an our and a half with the trauma cascade running through me as my muscles alternatively tense and relax, tense and relax or jerk and spasm.

I did read that Uranus squares to Saturn are very hard on the entire cardio vascular system. I seem to be hitting all the blocks from Saturnian institutions this time and the instigator of all of this is a very Uranian person. I feel that kind of tension all through my body a lot lately. I am hitting hard up against my walls and the intensity of my desire for freedom from the squeezing pain of repression and external controls is very strong. Saturn conjuncts my Moon in Aquarius so I really am a free spirit but one who was raised in a very Saturnian family and country. At the moment I just want to bust through it all. I am hoping at tomorrow’s meeting something may give with the Bank Manager. Just knowing my funds were free would make me breathe a lot easier. I am not giving more away. But I do want to help my nephew who really needs my help right now and doesn’t have anyone else to turn to.