Grey

Its a grey overcast morning today. I am feeling a weariness, even though we had the new Moon in Aries yesterday, it was a very intense week with my sister’s operation for cancer and the house repairs and ongoing drama with Scott. I am feeling tired today but I am drawing comfort from the changing leaves outside my window, autumn colour is slowly appearing tinging the leaves with red and gold. Daylight savings ends in the early hours of tomorrow so we are going to watch the days close in from now until the Solstice on 21 June still two months away and I feel the winding down energy today and the pull towards retreat contrasting with my latest pull to actually get out in the world and connect.

As I look back at the week I see pockets of sweet connection, Jasper and I met up with a boy who used to go to the dog park in Telopea Park on Thursday morning, he was with his mother and his dog. He is disabled in some way and the group that used to overtake that park could be quiet mean about him as he is quite outspoken but a very very soft individual. His mother was a very lovely person and she is principal carer for her son, we had a lovely long conversation and Josh told me he could to go to the park any more as other dogs were attacking his dog and as usual brushing it off. I have had this happen to me before when Jasper was younger, a bigger dog went for him and the owner tried to blame it on Jasper saying he was ‘too submissive”. I remember at that time back in 2013 I was terribly vulnerable and I just went over to the other side of the park and cried. Eventually I found a way to stand up to this woman and told her she needed to manage her dog better.

Anyway it was lovely to connect with people of like mind and sensibilities. I am seeing its not a crime to be soft in this world but so often we can be over run and even soft people need to find an inner strength and not let themselves be blamed for who they really are.

I have been visiting my sister the past two days, on the day I had so much going on she told me not to push myself to get there, so I didn’t I held off and went to see her on Thursday. Our visits have been calm and loving.

I went to another AA meeting yesterday which I really enjoyed, two speakers spoke about living and not just their addiction, it was nice to hear a woman around my own age with 31 years of sobriety behind her who I really identified with. There was also another person who relapsed after some time, both people spoke of dealing with PTSD and other illnesses. I felt so sad in the meeting yesterday for all the years I took myself away from the fellowship. I was not really at risk of drinking as I hate the taste of alcohol now, but I also know I needed outside help to deal with my feelings. Now I am back at meetings in a different place, I see how I set up in my mind all kinds of differences and reasons why I did not belong there any more. We make the choices we make and we learn along the way though, that is what I know now and sometimes we don’t realise how our thinking patterns are affecting us unconsciously.

Now the Mercury is moving forward again and will be moving out of the embrace of Neptune I am sure things will start to become even clearer for me. The watery energy can bring a feeling of being all at sea, its how I felt for most of my life immersed in the family addiction and trauma and struggling my hardest to not sink and try to stay afloat. At times huge tidal wave hit time after time taking me down. But I noticed last night that I really felt my feet on the floor. I know for many years my PTSD meant I was not really in my body at all. Recovery for me is a process of embodiment or re-embodiment. I think I got slowly driven out of my body over years by all the madness, drivenness and trauma around me. I know I expected to heal too quickly and I know I was dealing with so much and blamed myself for not coping in situations most people may have struggled with. I also know early attachment wounds made me so very vulnerable to powerful others and I also grew up with a lack of trust which made me actually shy away at times, but I also noticed a lot more than others due to my sensitive empathic nature. Slowly I am learning about who I really am and learning to love and no longer misjudge myself or beat myself up.

Building a stronger sense of self is happening slowly and even though today is a grey day I have a feeling of warmth inside. I am listening to this song Warm bySG Lewis every night before I go to sleep, it really comforts me and bathes me in waves of peace. I wish everyone out there the best possible weekend. May you be happy, safe and know that you are loved whatever the weather or colour of the skies above.