I am finding lately some of my words are drying up. The recent events with my brother have put me in a sad place if I focus on them and then I I am stuck with the things I cannot change and as I don’t want to go on feeling powerless, sad and upset or angry I have decided the best thing to do is get my focus off that negative feedback loop and onto constructive action.
My sister undergoes her breast cancer surgery today (she could be in surgery now). It is bringing back my own memories and I was left waiting at least an hour and a half in the ante-room before surgery. I remember that being the hardest part, the anxiety and anticipation and having to lift myself onto the surgery table was not pleasant, the drip with the drugs hurts really badly going in. After that every thing goes black and you wake up and then I remember that I cried for basically three days in reaction to the abandonment feelings all stirred up. My sister was over seas my Mum too frail to make it there despite the fact she was there immediately for my sister following her operation only a few months earlier. If I focus on all of this I will get resentful and its all in the past anyway.
I want to be out of victim mode these days. I want to be taking action to help my own life, I basically feel now I can sit around complaining about things but if they are the things I cannot change what the hell is the point? I am trying my best to reach for life and connection. I go through all the doubts with Scott and then stop contact but then we connect from the real place where I know him to be the truly brave and wonderful man I somehow managed to care so deeply about despite never meeting while all the destructive forces around me tried to convince me over months and months he is not real. Today he quoted me some passages from the Bible on fear. He also told me how our enemies can use fears or pray on our fears to stop us from taking positive action. I knew the acronym for fear before Fuck Everything and Run but Scott shared with me today this one : Face Everything and Rise.
I guess combat soldiers face their fears every single day, there is no hiding place for them. I think of all the times I allowed my own fear to stop me from going after what I wanted and I kinda just collapse in tears. Lately at times I have felt so weak small and powerless with crippling forces of fear and doubt around me speaking devil words in my ears. I remember how in the tale of the Handless Maiden after she retreats to the forest after deciding the Silver Hand the King gave her will not help her grow her own back and she manages to heal them through inner work, self responsibility as well as crying over her stumps, after giving birth to a child, its the devil who mixes the messages up with her lover who is seeking to reconnect to her. Is fear like this?
Is it the phantom destructive voice of doubt, suspicion and mistrust deep inside the tries its darndest to convince us everything will end up as dust if we try and cross the abyss. I have read in a book by Light Warrior Kyle Gray that suffering fear shows us something very important to us is at stake. Will we lose or gain if we do that thing that fear is so super charged about? There is only one way to know, to take action and find out. For if we stand at a fork in the snow covered road and don’t commit to take one path we end up frozen. Who knows where that path will lead? We may have to just set foot upon it before we find out!
Well there, for someone who doesn’t seem to feel I had anything to say these are the words that came to me today. I have to get Jasper off to the vet for his vaccinations soon so I have to leave it here. I am just hoping anyone else out there struggling under the weight of burdens finds some relief today through faith, self belief and positive action. xoxo
Emerging From The Dark Night 