We can so often project the past on the present but the following extract from Marianne Williamson is a great reminder how not to.
The future is programmed in the present. If we enter the present carrying thoughts of the past, we program the future to be just like the past. But when we enter the present, without the past, we free the future to be unlike it. Miracles occur in the present, interrupting the linear sequence of time. Forgiveness is what happens when we choose to see someone not as they were before this moment, but as who they are right now. Entering into the Holy Instant, free of our focus on what happened in the past, we free a relationships to begin again. I give you a break, increasing the probability that you’ll give me one too.
God sees only our innocence because that is how (She) created us and therefore only that is true. In training our minds to see people as She does, we allow miracles to heal our relationships and free us from suffering over them. Only when we release someone from the condemnation of what they did do we free ourselves of the effects of what they did. By giving the gift of forgiveness. we receive the gift of forgiveness.
The ego of course sees all this as nonsense. Given that separation is its goal, it deems all efforts to forgive as offensive. It specialises in comments like, “But you should be angry!”; “You’ll just be a doormat if you forgive this”; and “I’m really worried about you; you seem to have no boundaries!”
But the ego is a liar. That which restores us to our right minds does not guide us incorrectly. The fact that I forgive you doesn’t mean that I’ve lost my mind. It doesn’t mean that I can’t say no. It doesn’t mean that I cant set healthy boundaries or leave unhealthy situations. If anything, it means that I can do so more quickly and effectively. Having been lifted above the emotional turmoil created by hurtful events, my ability to wisely navigate the material world is only improved. If it’s wise to leave a situation, to say no, to turn away from someone – it will only increase my effectiveness if I can do so kindly.
Who we have not forgiven remains in our head…. the warden can’t leave the prison any more than the prisoner can… Forgiveness does not mean there are no boundaries, accountability, laws, or healthy standards of behaviour. It means merely that there’s a way for us to find peace in our hearts, regardless of someone else’s behaviour. And that itself is a miracle.
Marianne Williamson
From Tears to Triumph : Spiritual Healing for the Modern Plagues of Anxiety and Depression
Emerging From The Dark Night 