I often observe adults shaming young children for not behaving like ten year olds when they are only three or four or five. For example, in a restaurant I watched the parents of a four year old girl berate her for not sitting quietly beside them for an hour or so while they talked and ate. This is like punishing your dog for not being a cat. When a child is three or four – or five, seven or eight – they are unable to behave like a ten year old: they’re developmentally too young. This also why, a child who is identified as gifted, and thus allowing then to skip a grade, may be become very anxious. Although they are able to handle the academics, they can’t skip a year of social development. That goes at its own pace for everyone.
We parents often don’t understand what is developmentally normal – or possible. As a result, our expectations are often unrealistically high, especially for firstborns. Then, through our own ignorance, we disapprove of our children – or get angry with them for doing something they didn’t know they we’re supposed to do. This wounds the children, who then develop shame. Sadly, this turns out to be the case with most parents and their children. Then, as those children become adults and have kids of their own, they set the same unrealistic expectations and pass on the same shame – while believing they are dong the right thing for their children
By the age of fifteen, many of us are pretty much asleep – disconnected from ourselves. We have fully integrated the habit of obeying rules – and the myths and principles of everyday narcissism….we stay compliant.. do what we are told (and often we turn into victims.)
Nancy Van Dyken
Everyday Narcissism
Emerging From The Dark Night 