I wrote the following post today.. Due to the fact of hurting someones feelings about sharing an intimate conflict that occurred over the past 24 hours I was forced to take down several posts I wrote in an effort to clear up my own blind spots earlier. Its been a painful but educating day and I have learned a lot. I honestly don’t want to hurt or offend anyone but I also don’t feel good feeling so strangled on my blog around self expression. I am human, I often fuck up big time and when I am wrong I will do my best to admit it. Is it wrong to make a mistake? Yes, probably, to share intimate history the person did not want revealed was a mistake and a violation of boundaries, I see that now. In any case in the event that I am just doing this internal processing in a public way (something others see as a sign of mixed up very poor boundaries) I am going to share this anyway. I don’t cope well with being censored on my own blog!
I seem to have age regressed to about 2 years old today. Conflict with someone I cared for can do this my whole body feels small and weak and tremendously vulnerable and is shaking with stress. It may also be a case of when I overstepped a boundary and then had to take on board it had been wrong to do so. However the best cure for making a mistake or having it pointed out to you is that you can learn and hopefully not punish yourself for that mistake. My older sister was like a mother to me and became an alcoholic and later in life I developed mixed up ideas about trying to be there to help her be more happy and now I can carry on that pattern unconsciously by trying to ‘rescue’ others, (apparently).
In blogging we come in contact with others who bear psychic wounds as we all do. These wounds can be vulnerable and raw and sore. We also bear our own wounds or speak about them. There is surely a way to be loving around these wounds because to wound another person again causes hurt for both of us and often our wounds can reflect each other.. This is what I am feeling very much today. Many people struggle and suffer. The last thing I ever wanted to do with my blog was make that suffering more or hurt another person or do a wrong thing. But it seems I have today and that just makes me sad. But I am not going to run away. I am going to take the heat today and sadness and pain so I can know the reality learn and move through to a more caring boundaried respectful contained way of being with others.
I have learned an important lesson from a mistake I made in so called advice giving which I did not really think was that as much as talking about how trauma can rise up and then fall away but to someone it was a boundary violation and came out of an ill motive. It was hard to see at the time. I stand corrected and humbled. lso I think our psyche is very wise as is our soul and things will break through or emerge into awareness when necessary they should not be deliberately stirred up.. Peter Levine talks of embracing a positive association that is there in the midst of trauma even if its a pile of leaves, for me while undergoing radiation it was the red cross which I imagined as the sacred heart of Jesus healing me rather than a machine…. maybe if we can reframe it in this way we can find the healing in the hurtful and painful realities we so often have to face. What do you think?
That was babble apparently or as I said in another messages a way of trying to express the inexpressible where trauma is concerned. Maybe it was lying to myself about a very painful time in my life.. undergoing radiation therapy five days a week for five weeks.
Now I think Ill just shut up cause it seems if I open my big fat mouth I am just going to cause myself even more problems.
Emerging From The Dark Night 