I cant help thinking about the two fish that swim in different directions in the symbol Pisces this morning and of how things can appear one way on the surface when other things are going on far below (and isn’t that the gist of both the personal and collective unconscious.)
On top of the struggles this week with adapting to my sister’s cancer news this ongoing attempt to support my friend Scott overseas amped up again yesterday when he asked for more help with the money blocked before. Its putting me in a very uncomfortable position of whether to keep on helping him and supporting or not. I just didn’t feel I had much to give yesterday and I really resented being asked for help again at a time when I was struggling so hard to process not only what was happening with my sister but what her diagnosis was stirring up in me. I have supported three family members through illnesses, depression or operations ever since returning to my home town in 2011 and this latest news was triggering all the other trauma memories as well as the losses of my father, older sister and mother.
But I also feel great sadness for him because if he doesn’t get these funds he will not be leaving deployment for over two years and I had promised to try and help again. Anyway I just went to the dog park with Jasper and am sitting in the quiet and cool after having my morning coffee recovering the peace he shattered yesterday with more demands. With Mercury retrograde I really need time to just rest and float and everything I have read said that this is the time to tune into deep intuition, rather than logic and analysis and true to Mercury retrograde I have been dreaming a lot.
A strong black man appeared in one of my dreams on Thursday night following therapy, also I in the dream I had to drive a new car which was more powerful than my old car but in the dream I felt too disoriented to drive immediately and I was being pressured. That reflected the psychic situation over the past few days so today I have asked for time out.
If you are struggling with your own dilemmas I recommend the same. Self will and controlling doesn’t really work well during Mercury retrograde times and I have just been reading about the controller energy inside of us in Tara Brach’s book. She says that when we face illness, or grief or loss the controller within us gets usurped and we fall into our vulnerability. Our attempts to control may often be defences against facing grief or what we need to face or facing the fact life is demanding of us a time of not being in control.
I remember this feeling so strongly when hit with my own cancer diagnosis in 2016 and especially after the surgery. I just started crying after the operation and for two days in that time and sadly I reached out to a friend when I may have been better just to feel the feelings as when she came I felt a bit pulled out of it and being pulled out of intense feelings is sometimes necessary but at other times not.
I also remember the anger that came up in the weeks after when I realised how the person who had supported everyone (Me) was getting so little support back. My sister went overseas after my operation for a wedding and Mum was aging and not well and so curiously absent. She did offer me to move in with her though but in the end an old friend stepped up and spent a night or two with me which really helped.
I am realising more and more lately how distant I often keep myself due to my family background. I actually really connected with two older ladies at the dog park today and we started talking about grief and family separations which one of the ladies was working to heal. I was sharing some of the things I know about ancestral trauma and the secrets that get hidden under the surface in families.
Its interesting that the retrograde station of Mercury began on the final degree of the final sign of the zodiac. As it moves back some say we will get a final look at issues we have been dealing with for some time, most especially in the last year that Mercury traversed all the signs of the zodiac.
Mercury is also represents Hermes the mythological time traveller who can journey above and below ground using mental apparatus, as well as intuitions and dreams. He is the cadeucus and I think he has something to do with the spiral dance of healing as well as ancestral or collective DNA or epigenetics. This lost ancestor who is trapped in a kind of Underworld and cannot get back home relates back to my great great grandfather and his father as a psychic theme. A few weeks ago I pulled a Mythic tarot card for Scott which showed him disappearing into the Underworld and spoke about letting something go. Does this mean I am to let go of Scott? Or help him to get free so the ancestral pattern of separation heals? I am not sure of the answer but I am going to pray on it and I am going to listen to my dreams over the next two weeks.
Mercury goes direct at 16 Pisces 06 on 28th of March.. so we have 19 days left to float and absorb and look back on issues of importance before deciding what new direction to take when Mercury finally passes 29 Pisces on 16 April. Stay tuned inwardly folks. Hermes will be climbing his spiral stair case, listen to your dreams, enter intuitive space, float, let yourself have time out, absorb and re-sorb, reflect…. things are free flowing now and it you try to push the tide you may hit some blocks which Pisces wants to wash through. Or you may find yourself in high seas.
Emerging From The Dark Night 