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Struggling

There is another massive wave of grief. I awoke at 8 after being pulled about by the tide of sleep and wakefulness in three waves, conscious my sister had her appointment with the oncologist at 9.30. I really wished I had openheartedly fronted up to be there but another part of me needed the distance. I couldn’t eat and its hard as last week I had got into a great routine of eating by 9.30 or 10 and getting out for my walk with Jasper every day between 10 and 11 and then home for a decently times lunch. That’s all gone out the window now as I just spoke to my sis and it has been confirmed that her cancer has returned, the doctors words were ‘not in a big way’ but they wont really know that until they do other scans to see if it has spread.

Writing seems to help me because after the call ended all this grief just washed through me and I felt the terrible feeling of death sitting on top of my chest that I have known so much especially over the past years living here in my home town where trauma after trauma hit either one of my sister’s my mother or me. I have felt lately that I can finally stand and find some happiness or a chance at life and then this news comes which seems to knock me sideways.

I know its not happening to me but some followers of my blog will know I was diagnosed with cancer myself back in February 2016 just 4 months or so after my sister was. And so the fear is when she has cancer it will affect me to the point I have it too. I know this is not rational thinking I am just voicing it here.

Anyway I really sat in my presence self compassion practice this morning as wave after wave of fear hit me and guilt as well for not going to the appointment with my sister to support her. I made that choice and I have to stick with what I decided….

I know this cancer is not necessarily a death sentence and also its a powerful reminder of how important every single moment is. That does not mean we have to run around manically trying to chew up as much life as we can if there is fear running us, just a reminder to nurture our hearts with compassion as well as the heart of our loved ones. I feel a lot better after opening my blog to write this I will get out for my walk with Jasper two hours later today. I am aware Mercury planet of communications and internal processing is now or soon to be retrograde so its time to be loser and enter the flow over the next three weeks. I had some powerful dreams last night and it reminded me to use this time to actually write them down. The issue of guilt and disconnection came up in last night’s dream. I try to be connected with family but its not easy, there is no emotion ever shown, everything is so flat pan and dead on the surface, with so much going on underneath, as an empath I tend to pick up on it but I know the emotions are there they just seem to be deeply buried. I just wish I did not feel as overpowered as I do at times but it comes in waves. Writing seems to help so I will keep doing that with my blog, even though the critic always tells me its crap and I need to shut it down.

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Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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11 thoughts on “Struggling”

  1. Hi Deborah. PLEASE don’t shut your Blog down. You are doing a LOT of people a lot of good. But I am so very very sorry to hear about your sister. I had been thinking about her and about you as I knew her appointment was happening. This must really have knocked you badly. I am so sorry De orah. I understand your feelings of fear and guilt. And your feelings about death. Please keep writing about it. We are here to listen. And to support. Much. Uch live to you my dear friend ❤️❤️❤️❤️

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    1. Thank you so much Lorraine. Its just a voice I hear in my head in negative moments. Thanks so much also for your understanding. I felt such a heavy pain in my heart for my sister today as she gets one knock after another and its not easy for her to release her feelings. I feel so powerless sometimes. All I can do is love but my own fears also get in the way sometimes. I am trying these days to sit with my fear and sadness rather than run away… so I can hear what my heart has to say. We have both gone through similar losses but she also has a lot of pain from her marriage ending. This has made me grow so much more in compassion for her I will keep writing and thanks once again so much for your support kindness affirmation and love <3<3 ❤

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      1. Deborah, I am always here for you. It is such a blow regarding the cancer. And also the ending of your sister’s mareaige. I know you will feel for here there. I hope that she can come around to releasing her feelings. Much much love to you Deborah. Xoxo

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      2. Me too.. its my most heartfelt wish. Its why I don’t believe she should ever have been diagnosed bi polar it was following a hysterectomy and she was abandoned so of course she was high and low. I watched the whole thing including her son having her committed by tricking her. She was running amok but it was so hard to witness. Anyway… I just pray it hasn’t spread as there are only tiny dots of cancer visible she is waiting to hear if radiotherapy or surgery is required. ❤

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      3. I just se t you an email Debirah. Really sorry. I am also realky sorry about your sister a d the bipolar. That is a horrible thing to have. I had a friend with it. She was my best friend. Beauitful person. But plagued by it. Let’s must hope and pray that this cancer can be contained. It must really be playing on your fears for yourself. Lots of love and ge t,e hugs Deborah. ❤️❤️❤️

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      6. And you won’t. You have happiness ahead. You are very strong. And loving and compassionate. Those are qualities that many people do not have. You also have deep insight. Love you Deborah. Xxxx

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