At times my body feels like a wild ocean, deep inside feelings flow, they rise and fall, at times I am overwhelmed by grief, its like the tide, it is weary and watery and helpless it has the bodies of my ancestors floating by me within it, within it I struggle to catch my breath, most especially after my late morning coffee which I then get upset for having. I sat in the park next to a small family group with Jasper today, he danced around them as he does woofing and barking and running away as soon as the children tried to get close…. I then think of my own fear of being unundated by others which goes back a long way, if people wanted to get close I remember being so scared. I am sure it has to do with two things (1) my emotional empathy and high sensitivity and (2) back to something to do with my sister leaving when I was only 3.
I don’t remember much of that time before she married only that she went to a fancy dress to a party with her soon to be husband and they were dressed as Batman and Robin and I felt this dark energy around the man who I saw as stealing my sister. In the end, many years later after her aneurysm he abandoned her, but I am reluctant to blame that on him alone. They were very different people. My sister was in intense stunning beautiful woman born in the 1940s. She wore her gorgeous dark hair swept up in a bee hive and she was fighting to be a strong woman in society at that time. Too intelligent to only be a nurse that is what she chose as a profession because she had that family compassionate, caring spirit and my father felt University education was wasted on girls!!! Urrgghh!!.
Later she came back to try and conduct her own family business in the town where my brother was in business with my father and my second sister in business with my mother. My second sister said it was my sister’s fault in a way she crashed and burned because she always wanted to do things alone or her own way, that is not really how I see it, I see her coming back and trying to be noticed but not for the right reasons. And then she pushed herself too hard and came unstuck!
Now that I only really hear from my brother concerning financial matters I am feeling a great rage. He is a tremendously wealthy guy but his entire family exiled my sister in her illness, never going to see her once. Despite my pleas he wont help me to help Scott, siding with the banks who say he is a scammer. I don’t care what readers think, I know this man who is fighting overseas and I do believe he is real, I just cannot convince any family and I am really getting tired now. I cant tell anyone and I wont share much about it on my blog either. There are times to stay silent about things.
Anyway back to the family group in the park by the swings where we love to take refuge under the shade of small trees, after they left and we had conversed for a while I just found myself crying and all this stuff was going through my mind about how its no wonder family want anything much to do with me. I’ve never been able to sustain a love relationship…..But why do I always come out of this looking bad, when really they are not emotionally available at all and never were?
Never the less I long for them to be what they are not but I am beginning to see THAT FOR YEARS I HAVE BEEN LIVING UNDER THIS ILLUSION. And it is time to stop TRYING SO HARD TO BE CONNECTED AND JUST LET GO!!!! But even writing these words I am feeling such grief and as though my head will explode and I remember a friend in AA sharing how her heart broke all the time for her family who never found emotional recovery and remained so dysfunctionally enmeshed. At times I feel with my sensitivity and ability to see far deeper than the surface that I am carrying so many generations of ancestral pain but its time to break that pattern or script and really LET IT GO!! Why should I always be crying??? Don’t I deserve some connection, love and happiness?
I woke this morning and the refrain from Foreigner’s Song Waiting For A Girl Like You came into my mind and so I opened You Tube on my phone to listen to it and an add from Flight Centre popped up advertising 475 dollar flights to Christchurch in New Zealand. I have read that spirit will try to get your attention by putting the refrain or words of a song inside your head and suddenly this turned into a message because lately I have just been longing to take off somewhere for a week or two week break, it is LITERALLY YEARS since I have been anywhere news, but I still have this possibility of helping Scott hanging over my head.
I felt this morning the tension of that Uranian energy on my Mars and Moon, its moving forward to square both at the moment and that represents a time when forces of change awaken within us. Something about Christchurch has been appealing to me for some time really so I seriously thinking of acting on this short break idea of mine soon.
Then I think of how in AA they speak about how ‘geographicals’ wont help what is really hurting you inside but on another level I just long to make a new start. The wild ocean of my family seems to be receding now. I don’t want to drown inside of my frustrated longing and unreconciled sadness any more but the thought of travel always sparks fear due to the head injury I sustained last time I tried to make a break from family in 2005.
I am just sharing about it here in my blog to externalise it today. I realised today how much regret and sadness lives inside of me…part of me feels I will die if I don’t take the risk to make some kind of change, the wild ocean of my body with all the feelings is sometimes stormy, sometimes calm. I am still trying to find my way forward. I am trying to bear the feelings and let them carry me rather than resist them, maybe, just maybe, they are part of the tide that wants to carry me home?
While editing this I called to mind a dream from just after I abandoned my dreams of studying psychological astrology in 2001 to come back and support family. I was in a cold cold house which had snow all around it. It was bleak and dark, in the kitchen was my Godfather, my Dad’s best friend who tried to support me later in life when I was so abandoned inside my alcoholism and he was just holding me and saying “No wonder you became an alcoholic.” I want so much to leave this ice kingdom behind. I cant live inside of it any more, its so toxic, unloving and dead. I just have to leave it behind because I am not cold like that I am full of fire and warmth and by God I have to live and find a way to express it before I die or get extinguished by all the waves.
(Immediately after writing this the thought came to me that maybe grief is meant to extinguish parts of us that are ready to die… Maybe we fear grief because on some level it makes our ego feel powerless. Maybe surrender to our grief is the thing that will ultimately transform us and not extinguish the entirety of ourselves as we fear?)
Emerging From The Dark Night 
This post brought up a lot for me. When my grandparents passed away, I didn’t go to either funeral. I was living all the way across the country and was working and it seemed too hard to try and attend. I remember a very vivid dream around the time right after she passed where my family was in a violent storm. When it ended, I walked outside and it was calm and serene. Children in white choir robes were singing in a green, lush pasture. I turned around and my Grandma’s face was nearly an inch away from mine. I told her: “I want to go home”. She looked at me in reassurance and said: “One day when you are old, like me, you will get to come home”. It was comforting and seemed very real and yet, she was gone. I too have always had that longing for “home” and connection. Sometimes I get so blown away that people in my family can be so detached. I often wonder if they are even real at all. I can’t help but to wonder if we exist with others, but on different planes. I couldn’t reach my narcissistic ex either no matter what I tried. I had to let go. In any case, your post brought up all those feelings in me and I thought I’d share. I also feel ready for newness and change. I think we nearly create what we long for and what we say out loud.
In any case, thanks for reminding me of the lovely dream with my Grandmother. ❤️❤️❤️ She was a writer too and I was blessed to end up with a lot of her poems and such. Again, thank you!! It helps me feel less alone. 🙏
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Wow THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING THAT DREAM I know for sure it was her spirit talking to you.
Yes, detached, they are not really home at all are they? I think so long ago they had to split off and they fear vulnerability so when we are raw and real they make us feel like we are from outer space.
I am so glad if this made you feel less alone. I find your writing very powerful too. Thanks so much for reading my posts and sharing all of that. It means so very much to me. Heart hugs to you ❤
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Also it sounds to me like you are living all the gifts and talents from your grandmother in your life… We are the continuation of our ancestors… We are seeking freedoms they never got to have. ❤
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So true. ❤️❤️❤️ I have thought of using a few of her poems on my site every once in awhile. I think she would like that. 🌹
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Why don’t you?..it would be such a lovely celebration of her..I’d love to read them.
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It made my heart hurt to read this and to know you’re in such pain. You are incredibly self-reflective, and your ability to see the different perspective and the family dynamics, such as with your sister and your brother with the financial dealings, is intense. That’s not easy on you; I sometimes think that I make things harder for myself by being so reflective and overthinking things, so with everything you’ve been through I can only imagine the weight of it all. It’s obviously incredibly difficult with Scott too, both in terms of you not being able to help in financially and then feeling as though you can’t talk about it (though I hope you feel you can on your own blog, and ignore comments that negatively affect you), the more those thoughts build up the worse it will be, it’s a lot of strain for one person to manage. What you’ve said about grief is interesting. Sometimes we perhaps do need to give in to it, and sometimes we do need to walk away, especially where thoughts, people and feelings only do us harm. You deserve more than that. xxxx
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Its okay Caz for sime reason whatever force created me as i am made me deepky aensitive and self aware and yes iver thunking can be problematic but Im glad I have an encompassing mind and heart. Sure it makes me suffer more but I do emerge in time. The love between Scott and I is growing despite all this and with my sister and brother I think there is care there but they are shut down a little emotionally within. They still suffer though in their own ways. Anyway thanks once again for your love support understanding and deep empathy. I really do aporeciate it immensely. It realky warms my morningd. Much love to you, dearest Caz 💞💖💞
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Reblogged this on Emerging From The Dark Night and commented:
Its so interesting how the Universe works. Today this post from 2019 came up in connection with a poem I wrote today about grief and healing and ancestral tides and influences.. I notice in this post I got an intuition on this day that I wanted to visit Christchurch.. Well today I found out via some documents my distant cousin on Nana’s side sent that my Great Great Grandma Eliza Jane was born in Christchurch.. Not a coincidence at all. . as my angels truly are so very often whispering in my ear.
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