I found myself really crying a lot sharing some affirmations about feeling safe to be and safe in my body in therapy today. I also just read a meditation in Louise Hay’s book Trust Life on honouring our bodily desires and sexuality a moment ago and started crying when I read that too. I feel like a big wound of lovelessness and deep pain is gaping open inside of me today.
I think of how my Catholic education scarred my sexuality. My first boyfriend was few years older. He had left school and I met him in 1978 when I was 16. After a while when the issue of sex came up I just felt shyness, shame and some revulsion. I felt bad and wrong for desiring and tormented by it (if I am really being honest.) And it is interesting that later in early adulthood indulging in my alcoholism meant I could pretend this fear and shame was not there. When I drank or drugged I could just blot out the painful feelings and feelings that I was shameful for just being human. Its also interesting that I had my accident and smashed up a few months after trying to confront this repression and not being able to move through it.
For some reason this is coming up today. I feel really sad I could not bring a pregnancy to term but had to cut them off six times. I thought today that its no wonder my nephew doesn’t want to invite me to dinner for his mother, why would he want a damaged person like me anywhere near his kids. These are some of the dark thoughts I have. I know they are not loving but in the interest of ruthless honesty I am sharing them here. There is a saying that we are only as sick as our secrets. This secret shame of my sexuality and body is something I want to be free of. With Uranus now in Venus ruled Taurus which rules the body maybe it is coming up for healing as it squares my Mars Saturn Moon.
(Post script. My decision not to have children I thought was for their protection but who knows. Its something I need to forgive myself for (although I thought I already had.) Maybe it will always make me a little sad. At times I am reconciled to it but this week with the exclusion from yet another family event it has come up again… thus my need to share about it here.)
Emerging From The Dark Night 