Once again I just want to say thanks to those followers reaching out to me. I had to take a post down last night it was about Scott saying he was going to end his life. I stayed as calm as I could over text message while all this was going down. I Just told him that if he decided to do that it was between he and his soul and he and God. He asked me not to tell him to do it and then a few hours later he comes back wanting to chat and this morning wondering how I was. the answer was I have never felt so washed out, but in a way it was good washed out….like I was at the end of a long battle I finally had chosen to surrender.
I drew the card Eight of Cups last night and it spoke of the death phase of the letting go. The situation in which you have done all you can. Today I am back in a depressed deeply sad place, but maybe I was there when I first connected to Scott back in April just four months after my Mum’s death. And that calls to mind the two suicide attempts of both sisters I tried to mop up in some way. Its like the curse of the ancestral pain, the pull of King Neptune and the Underworld of water as opposed to the Pluto underworld of earth and fire has nearly inundated my soul at times. I have just know far more trauma from a young age than anyone I have ever known and I cry about being a misfit. It was quite apparent when I met my friend yesterday the depth of my feeling towards that painful time of us struggling to connect back in the early 90s was not as severe for her and I left the meeting crying. Don’t get me wrong it was such a good meeting but I felt in some way like I was trying unconsciously to apologise for things not my fault and she just kept looking at me with such eyes of compassion and telling me not to be so hard on myself. I feel that I feel things to depth others don’t at times, but maybe its not that maybe its just that yesterday’s meeting catalysed that time of intense trauma and darkness that spanned the years 1979 to 1993 when I finally found sobriety and began to move into the light
Viv also knew my ex husband well and she asked about him. She told me “you loved him and he loved you” and I know we were only meant to be together for a time… so why do I blame myself so much? Maybe this meeting occurred so that I could see more of myself.
Anyway I then went and had a second cup of coffee I probably didn’t need as my friend had only an hour for lunch and we met at weird Business Park near the airport on the outskirts of town. I then went to replace my DVD I thought was broken and after battling to connect the new one found it didn’t match my old tv and then without stressing I reconnected the old one only to find it was working after all. So that is a lesson that sometimes if you let things be and don’t stress maybe in time they do come right.
I also went out to get cycle helmet and lock for my bike which I got last week and have not ridden yet and that is a reminder of the crash I had in 2005. I wasn’t wearing a helmet then, thus my head injury, but I still feel confined in a helmet.
Karl rang last night and said he is happy to see me, that I can call him any time and talk about anything. He said he wants to be more that friends but at the moment I am just being honest, my heart is too bruised at this point from everything that has gone down with Scott and the last thing I want to do is hurt another person’s heart who is so genuine. I drew the card Nine of Pentacles for Karl last night and it shows who he is, an honest, down to earth, hard working guy who knows who he is and doesn’t pull on people…..Its funny how the cards don’t lie.
I just got back from the dog park. I was crying a lot this morning. Scott texted again this morning to see how I was and I just was too tired to respond for some time. I have told him everything is too much for me and that I feel I am being a conduit for his traumatic situation. I don’t want to abandon anyone at this point but the critical lesson here is that I don’t abandon my own inner child, who due to her mixed up background has tried so hard to be there for everyone else, and is still so young and unformed in so many ways. There must be a lot of projection going on between Scott and I at this point, but one thing is evident, at the moment I need to draw a firm line in the sand and not cross it, despite the longings of my soul. Sometimes Saturn has to win out over Neptune, Pluto and Uranus. If that makes any sense.
Thank you to those who responded to my past posts offering advice for self care. I really do appreciate it and you so very very much. Thank you for being there for me no matter what the weather… Its a gift more priceless to my soul than gold. ❤ ❤ ❤
Emerging From The Dark Night 