I hadn’t heard much from Scott for a while. Many here following my blog know of him and our struggles, a few don’t believe he is real but rather an scammer and just this week my nephew sent me a link to an ABC programme on a soldier whose military identity has been stolen by scammers who have made a lot out of the guy. This is NOTHING AT ALL like my connection with Scott. One we never connected via Facebook or email. Two he never showed me a photo of himself dressed in military regalia. His initial shot was s simple one taken of him in his car before deployment. Three I just know that the situation where he is is true and a scammer doesn’t express as much remorse as this and offer to send all your money back. Despite this I am at the point where I just don’t know if I can ‘save’ him any more.
Elections are on in Nigeria on Saturday and so its an intense time for the solidiers fighting terrorism. I know a fair bit about it as I read up online but am limited as to what I can share here. Suffice to say our soul connection is so strong I just found myself lying in bed crying and crying to the depths of my being last night. There is a song which I listen to that came to me around the early months of our connection last year. Iti s by Flight Facilities and it is called Heart Attack and the connection to Scott is that when I initially queried if he was actually real or an African cat fisher out trying to lure in ‘bait’ he said to me ‘I am as real as a heart attack’. Synchronicity or ???? This goes along with his Uranian astrological signature. Sun conjunct Venus and Mars and Uranus all between 25 – 26 degrees of Libra and its interesting that I connected with him under a Uranus square to my natal Mars Saturn Moon. His Moon conjuncts this as well and the aspects he is under are no less intense at the moment, he has Pluto moving to square those four planets while Saturn transiting in Capricorn is opposing his natal Saturn in Cancer which is the maternal ancestral mother wound signature par excellence.
I heard from him this morning after an intense night and just said to him I am feel I am absorbing all of that trapped pain at the moment, whether it is his or mine I don’t know. I know parts of it are ancestral in that my Grandfather fought in war and died of war related injuries when my Mum was only seven. My maternal great great grandfather was separated from his own family of origin for the later part of his life and my own inner masculine has been fairly crippled too starting with the major crash I had at 17 when I fell in love with another solider but could not bear to break my first boyfriends heart by leaving him and in the end because I was honest with him, I lost him as well and then I had my crash. This is all coming up for me at present as I have connected with another person as well and I really cannot pursue that relationship further until things are settled and sorted with Scott.
I am really just trying my best to hold onto some kind of boundary lately. Due to trying to get Scott out my accounts have been frozen by the bank. I cant make any moves, they wont give me access to two thirds of my funds until they complete their investigations. Later in the years I have access to more money but I am not helping any further at this point although to hear someone saying they hate their life and just wish they no longer had to live it makes me so so so so sad. Its where I was for so many years and on my morning walk with Jasper (the time I feel most free and at peace) I just pondered whether as I shared in another post this is not just all a hall of mirrors!!! Exactly why was Scott bought into my life. He firmly believes its for a reason and is not putting any pressure on me to send more money is just beating himself up for asking any help in the first place. I really am back at the first step of recovery. “Admitted we were powerless over …….” the next steps involve handing the situation over to God and not forcing my will upon things.
I don’t understand how the military can keep these guys in such a dire situation for 2 more years. Surely they are entitled to a break. Scott told me he is just crying a lot at this point. I know I have to practice detachment though, as much as I love someone I know I cannot always save them and I told him as much this morning. I have to take care of my own life and recovery. It may seem selfish but if I don’t I could so easily get lost again and I really don’t want that to happen after how hard I have worked to try to find a jot of happiness after years and years of trauma, loss, sadness, frustration and sorrow!!
Emerging From The Dark Night 