One of our first fundamental building blocks of secure self is a sense of basic trust in the good of others and Universe. If this is broken it hurts us so much. We may base present trust on past evidence. Its an issue Louise Hay and Robert Holden address in their book Life Loves You. But how many of us really feel this is true? That life wants the best for us? How many of us maintain a sense of basic trust?
Its something I am really thinking of lately because my wound to self and trust has been opening up deeply around this birthday. I see how much fear I have had of other people for most of my life. Its reflected in the way my dog Jasper is when he first meets other people he will run up to them but as they put their hand out to them he will jump back and duck and weave and dance barking as if to say at the same time. “I love you and want to play with you” “But I am scared of you and don’t know if you are going to hurt me!” I do know our animals reflect ourselves also when Jasper was only about 6 months old my sister tried to take her life and so in reaction to that I was going through a lot. Because our relationship had been difficult for some time too as we were both carrying wounds. All this happened and it interfered with his training at puppy classes because when I took him I would stand in class with tears falling down my face, I just could not stop crying due to the fears and sense of powerlessness I felt around my sister being over medicated and given shock treatment.
The basic trust issue is what has stuffed everything up with Scott. I cant contain things either, instead of trusting myself I go and try to talk things out with others but then I end up getting mixed information. It seems like I cannot fully trust either myself or others nor really listen well to the signals and messages coming from my body, something Louise Hay speaks about a lot and learned to do when she was healing from her own battle with cancer.
In the book Life Loves You Louise and Robert talk a lot about listening and talking kindly to our bodies as well as about following our inner ‘ding’ that feeling of joy and happiness that comes when we feel energy rushing into our system because we are on the right path. But what about if we have been conditioned to fear excitement or joy or that rush of life energy? What if we were punished or laughed at for being too happy or exuberant when we were young? What if our parents wanted to ‘take us down a peg or too’ or what if we heard all the time ‘don’t get too big for your boots’ as if growing into our full self (and in my case my big size 11 feet) was seen as a crime (and on that issues shopping for shoes as a youngster was always agony for me due to my big narrow foot which never seemed to fit into any shoes at all?)
Well then we just learn to fear our inner ding, or in my case (with a history of so called bi polar disorder in my family) fear became associated with high energy because in high energy moments Mum could be lashing out with the pent up suppressed frustration and inhibited life energy from her own childhood.
I look at my sisters’ body now after years on drugs such as the toxic lithium and see how it is now so much more of a deadened body, there is less movement and activity now that in the years gone by when she was supposedly ‘manic’. When she started to bust out of the repression of her marriage after 30 years maybe she did start to go ‘over the top for a while’ but did she really need to be ‘taken down a peg or two or twenty’? Just what the fuck is it that we do to people when the heavy gun of drugs is taken to a problem that has to do with repressed life force and energy?.
Today after texting with Scott I was JUST SO FUCKING ANGRY WITH THE BANK AGAIN. Ill be getting all my money back from him soon but we wont be meeting for 30 more months, unless by some miracle the deployment is not longer extended into this 30 month war contract. I was crying and crying this morning. All along I lacked basic trust and people around me were happy to add their voices of fear to the issue. I should have just fucking shut my mouth and not talked about it all to anyone. I most certainly should have shut up about it on here, but I was scared. Now the thing is ruined and we cant fix it any which way. And all he cares about is that I am not stressed and not suffering. He even said today “I know you need someone to love you who is close to you and so I will understand if you move on!” This just broke my heart. This bond we have has been building over 10 months now. But forces of fear and repression and yes (as we both said this morning the DEVIL Unlived life cause spelt backwards D E V I L = L I V E D……. has causes this fear fear fear mistrust mistrust mistrust and has fucked up our opportunity for meeting any time soon. All we can do now is pray. I cant break this bond to Scott at the moment.. maybe in time but when I give my heart I give it.. well at least I have given it now.. that at least is someone I am not longer going to hold back out of safety .. how can I. I just have to keep being vulnerable and open and as I feel the inner walls of fear and mistrust crumble I know one thing BEYOND ANY DOUBT. ON SOME DEEP LEVEL MY WOUNDED HEART IS HEALING IT FEELS AS MESSY AS A TUMULTOUS OCEAN AT PRESENT BUT I CANNOT FIGHT THAT.. LIFE IS MESSY AND SO IS LOVE. I JUST HAVE TO SURRENDER TO IT ALL IN LOVE!!
Emerging From The Dark Night 