After writing my post on opening the heart and flow I really let myself surrender deeply to my desire to be connected yesterday. I opened my heart to that someone special but today I am in pain again as the only way we will be together by Christmas involves me helping financially and I just am so tired of being the one supporting everyone. I got angry again today as I am feeling the price is all too much to pay at this time of year and I am tired. I am really having to rest lately to take care of my heart energy around this anniversary of Mum’s death.
And truly there are all kinds of ways of being connected and the most important one is really to be connected to our heart and our deepest emotional truth that resonates from the heart. Often it is music or a song that will open this up for me at the soul level and today after my walk with Jasper driving home the song Father Figure by George Michael was what sparked this avalanche. As many of my followers know I lost my Dad to cancer on 8 January 1985 just 4 weeks before my 23rd birthday. I was in a relationship but it wasn’t really very honest or deeply connected at all. I was a stranger to myself and my soul really and already I had been negated in so many ways by my own Dad, forced onto a career path I did not want after a time of major trauma in my family. Anyway my partner of that time broke it off with me a week or so after Dad’s death. I was due to be flying out to India to meet him but had to delay it when Dad got ill and after he died I got a 4 am phone called saying Jim didn’t love me and didn’t want me to meet him as he had met someone else. That was heartbreaking enough. Mum forced me to go overseas anyway where I was like a lamb to the slaughter and I ended up meeting up with Jim at the American Express office in Athens and going in for another round of abandonment.
One night I came back to our pension room to find him mid fuck with a strange woman and when I ‘lost it’ and after he accused me of being mad, the owner of the pension Francious just took me under his wing. “I have seen his type so many times before,” he told me. Jim was a big drug user.
Anyway there was a pregnancy that followed a year later and two more in following years as I sought in vain to be connected (but I was an alcoholic by then and not connected to myself so of course my abandonment wound replayed again several times.)
I have actually been left by 7 partners. Maybe I played a part in these leavings as I had yet to find myself. Its probably no wonder the lyrics in George’s song open me up so deeply to that core wound.
With Scott I seem to have found the most affirming loving guy of my life. He never wants to change me. Always says I am perfect as I am. The big problem he is stationed overseas and is not free. His freedom involves me helping him with his retirement certificate and much as I want to help I just feel he needs to do it. He needs to see this deployment out and come to me under his own steam when and if he can. This breaks my heart. I really hoped we would be together for Christmas but you know what?? MAYBE WE ARE NOT MEANT TO BE FOR ME. MAYBE I AM MEANT TO BE ALONE THIS CHRISTMAS JUST TO FEEL IT ALL.
I had an at home day yesterday and it was so nice just to be alone with Jasper. It was nice to hear from Scott too. I love our brief times of connection and that wont end if I don’t send this money. I still long to feel his skin on mine. I have never been that open about the physical side with him via text as I’m not into sexting. I want a real relationship this time. Or else I would just rather be alone. I have never opened so much to my soul longing to be physically connected to anyone as much although in the last relationship when our connection ended it nearly broke me. Well it did! It actually split me right down the middle. But what I found in that breaking was the wound of my soul. Its summed up in a lot of what George sings in that song. Missing the father I never had, longing for the strong partner who is an equal to my strong feminine energy. But just maybe its about projection. Maybe I am working to grow that strong father figure and inner lover inside. Maybe the outside manifestation is not meant to show up yet. Maybe I have a lot further along to go on my journey. I cried a lot walking Jasper just praying to find an answer about what to do. I must honour my soul I need to get silent as much as I can and reach as deeply as I can for the answer of how best to be connected.
Emerging From The Dark Night 