Our hearts are built for flow and connection

This thought came to me as I listened to my sister with so much sadness in her voice as she told me of photos her youngest son had sent to her of his birthday, he lives a long way away “I rarely see him on his birthday.”  That is sad I said and felt myself tearing up. And I thought of how the most emotion she showed lately was when my brother was leaving the other day.  And it being so close to the anniversary of our Mum’s death.  Our hearts are built for connection and reason can argue about it but that is the truth.  We are wired for connection and we get sick and suffer when we are not really being connected to.   That said my sis needs to realise too that she can jump on a plane at any time and be there for her son on his birthday.

Some people are able to bury this need to connect,  Maybe they feel connected to themselves enough not to feel that need from anyone else. These are probably the people who becomes islands.  My nephew was telling me yesterday how he is an island (not in so many words but it was the subtext) and I told him at times I like my island time alone but I also love to be connected to others too.  I am no longer criticising them so often or putting them down in my head even if they are very different to me.  I don’t need to deny my need for connection any more and it still hurts my heart a little or a lot when its hard to connect to or to bond with others but that hurt heals a little when I learn to give myself love in the painful space and find ways to self nurture.

In his book on multigenerational trauma It Didn’t Start With You, trauma specialist Mark Wolynn shows how we suffer when we naturally block that flow of love towards or have it blocked from a parent coming to us.  He also shows how blocks to the flow of love or connection from past generations can be carried forward, even if they are not talked about (and most especially then), as they then  become part of the family unconscious and are passed on cellularly. They may not be passed onto each child in the same way but to each in different ways. For instance in my family I see how my older brother carries my Dad’s need to maintain distance from his family of origin and how us girls carry the wound of being separated that went several generations back. 

 If I then went on (in my addiction) to bury this need and even in recovery through avoidant attachment then that shows the wound that is calling for attention (and is so often unconscious), but my need for distance also shows that alone time is how I separate energetically too from other’s stuff to understand how it dovetails with my own (and this need for distance is common for empaths and highly sensitive people.)  This energy of wanting to stand apart shows up in my chart in my first house Uranus and Pluto inconjuncting Mars Saturn and the Moon and opposing Chiron and this latest backward transit of Mercury has been hitting this over the past four weeks or more.   The challenging aspect to the Moon which rules inner child, mother and maternal inheritance with Saturn there in aspect to Pluto shows the psychic legacy and multigenerational connections.  It also shows that the wound can internalise and become toxic if I don’t ask for help from a larger source to release the carried pain and work to bring light to the darkness (shadow.) 

I awoke with a lot of trauma shock this morning.  I was aware my brother is leaving Canberra today to fly north and then leaves for the States on Wednesday.   I was aware he was going to see my sister.  My sister told me she was up bright and early so as to be dressed for him because he said he would be there to see her between 8.30 and 9, as it was he arrived at 10 am.  All I could think of at 7 am was how I would love (in my happy connected fantasy world) to meet my brother for an early morning walk with Jasper. On the walk we would talk of so many things especially my Dad.   I also thought of the many times I pushed my brother away when he tried to get close to me.  I am crying about it now AS I FINALY SEE HOW MY EGO DEFENCES DEFENDED AGAINST ME EVER GETTING CLOSE TO HIM AND HOW I FELT JUSTIFIED IN BLAMING HIM FOR HIS EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABILITY.   And there is there really IS some truth in the fact he keeps so busy with work but I also see he works due to a passion for his creative life.  He wakes at 4 am with a head full of ideas as he is a designer, that is his primary focus (South Node in Capricorn, while the North Node in Cancer shows he needs to actually become more aware of and connected to his family.)  With a stellium (grouping) of three planets in Virgo though he is expressing himself as he needs to be.  Its not a personal attack on me but I have felt attacked at times by his unavailability to me.  

Its such a relief to see all of this and to know it resonates with the unfulfilled longing for my Dad’s presence and is stronger around the anniversary of his cancer diagnosis and death (which spans the period late October to 8 January.)  Scott was so lovely to me this morning when I told him how I am struggling.  “This is all my fault,” he said.  “Putting you in the situation of struggling to help me, I just hate myself for putting you through all of this.”  Final money needs to be sent next week to get his certificate of leave and separation.   Btu he didn’t really need to be taking on the blame for something that is by reflection my wound too.

I am not blaming Scott.  As I see it everything is interconnected.  I am seeing the times I denied my need to be connected and ran off in anger or as a reaction to not getting what I needed and wanted.  And then how I crashed and burned.  The impulse was valid, its just the way I reacted to it was not very helpful and actually ended up being quiet destructive at times.   The head injury I sustained in 2005 still haunts me and affects me neurologically and Saturday mornings are usually tough as Saturday is the day I nearly lost my life all the way back in 1979.Scott is such a soft caring guy that he makes my heart melt at times.  I don’t believe I have been so lucky to connect with someone who is so soft.  I know in my gut Scott is real and despite all those who told me to cut off connection I know if I did I would not be doing what is right for me.  I firmly believe now that anything that comes to us in life is a gift from God or Higher Power.  I know this view angers some of my followers but I see that the truth often reveals itself to me after some time of pain and struggle.  

So it is that despite all the pain I have endured I find lately I have such gratitude in my heart too, there buried at the bottom of the pit of pain.  I actually have a heart I can feel and that CAN feel and I have slowly over time been able to dissolve some of my more defensive barricades.  Yesterday when I took myself off to my local café for a toasted sandwich I was actually crying walking around the streets my Mum used to play as a child all alone when playing hooky from school.  I felt that I was just a raw nerve or wound pulsing.  I felt naked and vulnerable.  BUT AT LEAST I WAS FEELING THE REALITY.  MY DEEPEST WOUND WAS NO LONGER UNCONSCIOUS TO ME.  

Today I was able to call my sister and tell her I am not feeling up to taking her out today.  I just felt I needed to be in my own space.   I need that space to feel the connection to my heart.   And I am blessed today to know that the heart is the very centre of our spirit.   Through it we connect to the world and through it we feel the pulse of life like a river flowing on.   To damn up that river for too long, leads( as Mark Wolynn has explained) to alienation, spiritual malaise, illness and separation.  It is just not something I want for my life any more : distance, Yes sometimes (even maybe often) but never separation.   The heart is an organ of connection and when disconnected from its natural urge to flow forward with its energy we begin to loose or cut off from our connection to all that is most essential and fundamentally precious to human existence.