I Just had a lovely walk with Jasper touching base with nature and went to get my coffee to drink in a shaded spot under beautiful trees when I noticed one of my nephews had returned my call from Wednesday. I called him back and by the end of the conversation I was overcome with floods of tears again. Back in September he was one of the people trying to convince me Scott was only a scammer and that I needed to break contact with him. I have kept our ongoing connection under the radar (not mentioning it and he didn’t ask over the past few conversations) but today I let something slip and he said “are you still in contact with that guy, last time we spoke I thought you were going to end it.” What could I say? I am a grown adult I no longer want to justify my actions to anyone, I can only trust my gut. I also mentioned some things about the terrorist situation where he is and my nephews said “I think you will find most people are aware of that” : somehow his comment made me feel about 2 inches tall and like I’d been slapped in the face. I just said in reply “maybe its only me who has had my head in the sand”. He then said he had to go and I got off the phone and just cried all the way driving home. I felt scalded. I am not going to intellectualise about it but this must have something to do with my inner child. In past conversations he has dismissed astrology as mumbo jumbo and made me feel pretty stupid, ignorant and naïve.
It’s getting so I want to have as minimal contact as I can with family, I just come away feeling so sad any time I have anything to do with them. The exception was the good conversation I had with my other sister’s son yesterday. Anyway life is not a bed of roses, or rather it is as roses have heaps of thorns and I got a few pricks from my encounter today. At times like this I am grateful to be able to come back to the cool of my house and just log onto my WordPress page and feel my heart in a gentler, more relieved and less traumatised space. It seems these days my body is letting me know pretty quickly what is good and what is not good for me in terms of whose energy I can cope with. Or it could have just been that I am too thin skinned and felt criticised.
Anyway I was so relieved to hear the auto immune condition they thought he had was not that rather a virus from a mosquito bite. Although my older sister (who died) sons are not my responsibility, I worry for them and love them a lot. Maybe I was just a little sad as today we didn’t connect and that’s okay, its a bit childish to hope we would connect every single time we talk, we are separate individuals and its not realistic that we would see eye to eye.
In fact his subject of agreeing to disagree came up in the conversation as he was saying he and his wife have very different ideas on spiritual subjects but they just agree to let each other have their reality. It is the best way really and something I loved and is expressed in one of the most powerful A A slogans “Live and Let Live”. Its how we got onto the subject of Boko Haram anyway and my nephew was telling me a story from the news this week that many of you may know about where a man was recently killed as he went to an island hoping to convert indigenous people to Christianity and they didn’t want to be converted. The guy was warned but he persisted with his delusion. My nephew has pooh poohed my belief in astrology before but I could not help but feel what a spot on thing this was occurring during the current Mercury retrograde that started in Sagittarius the sign of belief systems and meaning square to Neptune (ruling ideals and delusions).
Anyway just writing this out has helped me to find my way back to my centre. I felt all a bit discombobulated after I got off the phone. My older sister was the one I was closest to in my family and some of you know she died in 2014. But what I am finding lately is that the best company for me lately is actually people who aren’t members of my family.
I don’t know what is going on with me feeling so very very raw at the moment. Maybe it is down to the first anniversary of Mum’s death in a few days time. I just want to stay as quiet and self contained as I can over the next few days. I feel best close to my spiritual source at home alone with Jasper or walking in nature. But then I know after a time I am going to crave human contact again. Life is very much a dance of energy and opposites and conflicting impulses at times. The skill lies in trying to find as much harmony in the dance of energy as I can. It could also be that my family are just a bunch of narcissists who don’t do or recognise vulnerability.
Emerging From The Dark Night 