I am finding myself on a hair trigger today. I lost it with Scott when he took over 6 minutes to reply to a text. I just moved away from the phone because I knew he was multi tasking instead of engaging totally with one thing, i.e. talking to me and it just set me off. I didn’t react then, just got on with my morning, but he got a serve by the time he had already left for patrol and I see this has reaction has really been sparked by yesterday’s outing with my brother triggering disappointment, hurt and anger I am trying my best to contain as when I let things erupt last year I got into trouble. Being with he and my sister who is in such a shut down emotional state with so much repressed its no wonder I spent the first hour there shedding silent tears and when the subject of Mum’s ashes came up I could no longer contain the grief. They don’t say anything when I cry like this and its almost like I am holding and expressing the emotion for everyone. Sometimes it really sucks being the empath or psychic sponge.
But that said my feelings of grief may be larger as my older brother got to bond with Dad and was already in his 40’s when he lost him to cancer. That said I don’t think he would have been able to express the feelings as his daughter once told me how dysfunctional her parents marriage is “Dad told me once that Mum has never once told him she loves him”, she said. And my sister worked with my Mum for a long time in the fashion business and is really carrying so many elements of my Mum’s self in terms of finding it now difficult to find any sense of meaning, joy, fulfillment and purpose in life.
No one is probably any better or worse off, we all carry different issues, I see that now and when I try to make myself right and them wrong it doesn’t help. However I also cannot continue to deny how painful it is to have those around me who cannot engage emotionally and keep everything so under wraps. And I think this is part of why I lost it with Scott this morning but that said my flooding is difficult too and I wish I had been able to find more of a path out into the world with a career and a better handle on engaging and relating to others (less narcissistic wounds stuffing up my life!). That said this blog is my outlet and purpose for being now I just don’t really know if it helps others and sometimes I wonder if talking about it all the time helps me. The time I feel most clear and sorted is when I go for my daily walk with Jasper, just the two of us and touch base with nature but I also know I cannot live totally divorced from the world of people and society
I seem to have lost the peaceful place I seemed to be in, but I am also seeing that I am keeping a lot under wraps and often deny to myself the way I really feel in side. Its like my emotions have to explode out of me in order to be known and felt….I am that out of touch with them at times.
I followed a link to a good article on self regulation yesterday. I know its what I have struggled with. Its taken me until the age of 56 to begin to start to get any kind of awareness or handle on my emotions. I had a pretty significant dream last night. I was on the top of a high roof that had deep soil and grass on it and I was digging through the shit and compost to prepare the sil. I was precariously balanced but later in the dream a fence appeared to keep me safe and it minimised my sense of vertigo. I know I intellectualise and go ‘up into my head’ often but this dream is showing me sorting through it all and trying to dig over the soil in some way. Then we were walking with a man, Jasper and I towards a high elevated cliff which seemed to be made of sand, we went as far as we could and then we were sinking into the sand. Sad as it was yesterday at the hospital and as much as I cried it felt safe to sink into my feelings and let them rise up and also soften me. The hard angry defences were not there I guess I am getting more acceptance, but I am also seeing how unhealable my sister’s condition is for either my brother or me. I felt my sister sadness when she had to say goodbye to him as he has to leave for America on 12 Dec (or choses to) and wont be back til April. He is ALWAYS AWAY FOR THE ANNIVERSARY OF DAD’S DEATH ON 8 January.
I know maybe its okay now. I just have to have my grief alone. I can talk to a couple of my nephews. Sadly I am a bit distant from my living sisters’ oldest son. They moved back to our home town in September and have not been in touch but maybe its up to me to contact them. I did think about asking my nephew to come to the crematorium to collect Mum’s ashes with me one day. I just have to find the courage to call him and ask. (I just did that and he was soft and oh so lovely to me. Reminded me a lot of his Dad who I really miss a lot.)
I am a bit sorry I lost it with Scott today but I know he will understand. Even if he doesn’t I understand where all my pain and lashing out is coming from. Its from my wound which often sparks up at this painful time of year. I am doing my best to hold it. I know love is supposed to be patient and kind but today I wasn’t. Sometimes my wounds ark up and its probably only natural. If I am aware I am on a hair trigger maybe its a time to be a bit more kind and soft with myself while trying to mature in the way I handle my feelings.
Emerging From The Dark Night 