Breaking away (open)

Its amazing to me how writing can open up an inner process as well as so many realisations.  I just realised how tightly I held onto my Mum even as a child.  I didn’t want to go to school or be separate from her and it always seemed she could not wait to get away from me and wanted me gone.  Maybe I held on too tight but in a way I see that because my Mum could not bond that well with her own Mum I carried that need to connect so desperately. I also carried on a pattern of bonding to emotionally unavailable partners but they NEEDED to be emotionally unavailable because in the end I had to find my true self and bond to me, and sometimes I was not emotionally available to them either!

These realisations have just come to me with alarming aclarity and it seems apt as Mercury goes direct in two days time and it stationing now in square to my natal Uranus in the first house.  I was the family rebel in many ways.  I did not feel a part of my family at all.  A good friend I connected with a few years back who was very fond of my older sister told me that I told him at age 17 that my entire family needed to get into therapy.  I saw it then and it ended up to be me in therapy trying to deal with all the fall out and wounds as well as the rejected feelings.

Anyway I now see Mum needed me to be separate but I could not be as I had this huge task to understand all the ancestral stuff and its clearer to me now as an astrologer.   Mum was always had difficulty acknowledging her own grief and ended up somatising it.  She had two daughters try to take their lives after their husbands left them and I was deep in a suicidal depression as well after my ex husband and last partner left.  I questioned why each woman on the maternal side had a partner either die or leave.. its such a pattern..but now I just see its ancestral really….and tied up with my Sun Neptune square. 

Anyway apologies to those who don’t understand the astrology but its a powerful tool to me of archetypal themes.  I am sure far more will come to light after Mercury goes direct in two days time.  I just wrote a prose/poem about how really its only Mum’s death that is finally freeing me.  I understand too that the first anniversary so close to my sobriety birthday and the lead up to the anniversary of my Dad’s death show that this time is very important in my journey to separate emotionally.

I am also seeing that grieving is about shedding so we can free ourselves to embrace the new life that wants to come out of the old.  The shell containing the egg has to break open as does the seed pod containing the seed for new life to blossom and the heat of grief and our other emotional processes of anger (fire) and tears (water) is what opens the casing  When we reject grief and period of depression or decay or of anger and rage we also reject our ongoing alchemical process of becoming, of emerging from the past containers that need to be shed as we go through complex transformations and transitions. I just read a great piece of writing on the coagulatio process of alchemy which really spoke to me. Things around me have been breaking over the past few days and I have noticed this often happens at critical times of understanding and transition.