My experience is that it is painful to suffer from neglect and emotional abuse as one of the prime symptoms is that you just experience all these deeply confusing feelings, but you tend to blame yourself, and then you can get to blame others because things they did really did have a negative impact on your life. Being ignored, having your own pain and needs and feelings ignored or invalidated HURTS IT REALLY REALLY HURTS. Often we tend to lash out and then get misunderstood even for that and blamed or blame ourselves further until we get a deeper insight into where all that pain comes from.
Lashing out may be better than turning it all inwards though because sadly in many cases pain and lack of healing can result in you turning the hurt inward with self destructive processes such as addictions which you do not understand. You may also seek a cure through being diagnosed with depression because your assertive drives, positive self will and sense of self esteem never got to blossom. Some of us may end up taking on the identity of a permanent victim until we can see the truth realistically, longing for others to change so we can feel better which never helps us recover.
I just read such a post from a wonderful blogger who has been working hard on her own recovery from a narcissistic mother.
Seeing that the hurt we felt from lack of empathy is real, but is ALL DOWN TO THE OTHER PERSON is so very important, otherwise with the false self in superiority in our psyche we just try harder and harder to get others to change or recognised the painful consequences that they do which really HAVE NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH US and often they will not change anyway There may be good reasons for them being the way they are that also have nothing to do with us.
The internalised criticism from such an upbringing as so many of us know can also be crippling. That is why knowing, feeling and sharing about our pain and shame and fear is so important to emotional recovery. John Bradshaw and John Gray said it well when they said we cannot heal what we cannot feel, but to keep feeling painful feelings internally without externalising and validating them is a slippery slope to hell, we often need outside help with all of this because if we were raised with lack of empathy we internalise this too, but turn it towards ourselves or true self.
This where psychiatric and therapeutic abuse can come in. John Lee has written in his book on age regression and anger therapy that its essential we chose those who help us understand the roots of challenging feelings and have done their own inner work. Its those of us who have trodden this path who understand it best and understand the connection between unmet need, depression, anxiety, anger, sadness and pain. Seeking medication will only help us to a certain point because meds do not really give us our missing power back, they just act to offer some relief from symptoms.
I have seen the bodily impact for two sisters who only used medications. I am very sad seeing this with my now only living sister at the moment. I cannot do much. In the past I have had blow ups at intensive care when they asked why my sis was on so much medication. She was coming right mid year and her meds were reduced but when her son and his family moved back to our home down she went into a down turn because she has been emotionally abused by them in the past. I see all of this and cannot say too much.
I sometimes tell myself I should be doing better when I know I am doing SO WELL recovering from the multigenerational impact of long term alcoholism and trauma as it has played out along our maternal line. New information and insights come to me all the time as I speak to others and learn even more about our family history. I know trauma does not start with us. It happens in family and in relationships. I highly recommend Mark Wolynn’s book It Didn’t Start With Me as he explores carried trauma, anxiety and depression at depth in this book which is very readable, relatable and accessible.
But in the end the full power of our emotional recovery rests with us. To take on board the responsibility to become informed, to acknowledge our pain and its causes and to take steps to choose for joy, recovery, insight, health and wellness. Our pain was real but it does not have to be the final answer. Pain can motivate us to look for answers and ask the right questions, it can inspire us to keep reaching for a better more grounded, full bodied expressive life.
Emerging From The Dark Night 