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My heart is breaking today

My heart just feels like its in a million pieces today, as the temperature climbs out there and after having sought refuge in the cool greenness of my garden which always tends to trigger my inherited need of order but today it was just such a nice feeling to touch the weeds and plants and feel the breath of nature on my skin.  Sometimes my garden and house overwhelms me that but that’s not the heartbroken thing.  I just met a friend for coffee who is an Aquarian like me, so nurturing and giving and we first met at the dog park when her dog Bailey was alive just shortly after Jasper (my dog came into my life.)  During breast cancer she took me to several radiation appointments and now Bailey has passed on we see each other less frequently but we do meet for a coffee every few months and today I just opened up to her about the internet connection I am involved in and she shared the most heartbreaking story.  A friend of hers was scammed for nearly a million dollars just after her parents died and now she lives in a tiny flat.  She has offered to go to the police with me tomorrow to share all the details of what has been going on.  Because now its feeling more and more like a scam and it turns out the fictional character who was making all these promises to me as well a declarations of love is most probably not real.  And that is what is most breaking my heart.

I don’t want to turn away from reality though.  I want to count my blessings but I don’t want to give up any more of my inheritance that Mum and Dad worked so hard for.   I have always tried to be a caring giving person but when someone says that if you don’t help them they may die by WAR that is emotional manipulation pure and simple.  I wrote a poem about F.O.G. the other day because it is Fear Obligation and Guilt that often hooks me in and I know Neptune is square to my natal Mercury Venus and the Sun and that makes me a prime target as well as the deep father loss wound in that Dad never adored me face to face, and when I needed his support he pushed me into a career I hated.  It wasn’t even a career.  I wanted to go back to do my teaching as I had moved away the year after Jude had her bleed and breakdown to Brisbane to study social work and I was doing honours in political science but I got involved with a drug addict and things got so intense and the next year I wanted to come home and go back to complete the teaching degree I stared in 1980 the few months after coming out of hospital after my near death accident.  Dad told me I was ‘stuffing around’ and so it was I was sent to Business College to do typing and short hand and it took me a further 7 years to try and break away to something more aligned with my heart and soul.  But by then my addiction was well underway and 4 disastrous relationships had ended in tears. And when I met and married by husband I could not fully stand by him as I was in the thick of emotional recovery and sought therapy which he found painful and so he left.

I am still trying to find my feet.  But I am not going to find my feet through another relationship, that is what I am saying now and my breast is just burning as I type this because I had two cups of coffee this morning while unburdening to my friend about all the ins and outs of the money I have been asked for over the past 6 months.  I have to put a firm stop to it and I see that is being highlighted as Mercury is now slowing to square with natal Neptune.   This is just causing my heart and my body far too much pain as is the condition of my sis who just sounded so slurred when I spoke to her on the phone yesterday.  I can no longer afford to believe in illusions or declarations of love which are probably nothing more than manipulations.   I have to go on alone.

I just thank God for my blog and the blogging community.  I just honestly don’t know where I would be without it.   I appreciate so much all of the love and support here.  And my dog who is the love of my life.   I can only fully trust what I can touch, taste, see and feel these days even if its my heart breaking into a million pieces as I feel the sadness and longing that drew me to Tinder back in March shortly after my Mum died.  Loss makes us vulnerable.  I haven’t done anything wrong by trusting.   But to trust too much in illusions and dreams is just not healthy any more.

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Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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26 thoughts on “My heart is breaking today”

      2. Me too. I will go to the police though first Its so hard to know. I just don’t know any more. There is a lot of documented evidence I have and early on he gave me a bank statement but my friend says all that is false. I just don’t know any answers right now.

        Sorry for your friend it is happening to so many people. xoox

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  6. I must have written and deleted three or four comments over the last hour or so, before I finally figured out what I really wanted to say.
    I respect you and I admire you. I love you. And I am so proud of you. ❤

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  7. So sorry to hear it’s possibly true. Certainly don’t give anymore money and with the support of your friend, go to the police with every evidence you have. If it’s a scam, you will learn about it, than be torn with mixed feelings. The police may be able to track him down, especially if they are aware of this because someone else came forward. Then he cannot do it again. Xxx

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    1. Yes its a tough one and I feel so ashamed for sending more and more money when people tired to warn me. But due to my soft heart I believed when he told me the CO was trying to get him off a deployment due to ill health. Anyway I am just going to put it down to a spiritual lesson. I wont cut this person off but I am not being drawn into the game any more. Its just too painful. And all the beautiful things he said well they make me cry but I am just saying them to myself today. He always said to me I love you wholeheartedly and unconditionally.
      But its all a scam!!!

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  10. This is so heartbreaking. I’m so proud of you though for wanting to put yourself and your health and happiness first. For people like us, who feel obligated to others, it’s an extremely hard thing to do. Sending you tons of love. ❤ ❤

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