I listened to a You Tube video on the astrology of my Mars Saturn Moon inconjunct to Pluto a while ago and the Moon does rule our emotional legacy and the difficulties we carry are shown by that kind of tense aspect and the video claimed I suffered from a deep legacy of unconsciously unearned guilt. I have also been surrounded at times by people who have tried to put me in that position, claiming I am bad when I am just fighting to be myself and not be overpowered or manipulated by someone stronger`s will.
This issue (of feeling myself to be wrong, bad or guilty unjustly) is one that comes up in therapy all of the time. Such feelings of being less than often draw me to those who are suffering in some way and I try to help them but often I can get drained by taking on that caretaker role. Indeed it fucked up my life choices over past years. I feel some unearned responsibility for being there and that is all well and good when my own tank is full but when its not good is when it comes out of a sense of trying to get my own unmet needs met or to compensate for a lack of joy and happiness or creative agency in my own life.
I am wanting from now on to begin to start taking a lot more responsibility for my own happiness. I think I suffered for a long time from a high degree of passivity. It comes from being emotionally overlooked and pushed to the side and also being forced to buckle under to the stronger wills and desires of others. It is said of those of us who end up on the codependent end of the spectrum of narcissism that we struggle with knowing the goodness inside of us. We often concentrate unnecessarily upon our flaws and weaknesses and bad points and its harder for us to see the gold and goodness inside of us. We are too hard on ourselves and we don’t give ourselves good things or enough self care.
I had to really stick up for myself this morning with someone who was trying to manipulate me and make me feel ‘bad’. I actually told them I am a good person and I don’t deserve this treatment. When I shared it with my therapist this morning she clapped her hands.
I also listened to a lovely talk by a guy on line who calls himself Healing Waters, it was a talk on trusting spirit guides and inner guidance and in following the link he also said how important it is for our happiness to stay close to those life giving things that give us joy and increase good vibes and energy, such as nature and good food, music, positive people and those who have love to give. He was saying how damaging self blame is and a lack of self love. And having self love doesn’t mean we just sit passively on the sidelines and don’t take steps to make our lives better, it does not mean we avoid adversity but that we use it and our so called ‘mistakes’ to learn, because actually trying and failing in life may be a good thing if we learn from it.
I am also trying to let go and relax more after the difficult weekend I had. Being asked for even more help and setting a boundary and then guilted has made me stand strong and firm in my boundary. I am no longer feeling that emptiness inside that needs to be filled from outside through another’s love, attention, approval or affection. If I am me and those things don’t come to me well I just have to wear it. I am sick to death of trying to turn myself into a pretzel to win love, surely my happiness has to start from within and depends on the positive choices I make in response even to difficult or negative things.
And yes, I do love reaching out to help others and bring some sunshine into their lives when I feel filled up myself, but if I am being drained well that is the time to pull back. With Mercury slowing to turn retrograde in 4 days it is a good time to pull energy within, to seek to find the higher meaning (Sagittarius) and longer term view in the way we arrange our lives. I have also decided to do more meditation over the next few weeks, watch a little less TV. I know I get intuitive hunches all the time and inner guidance, its important to trust these things. I also get messages and I watched a great short video by Jack Canfield yesterday in which he said how pain can be a message that something is not good for us. I am starting to get those feelings and messages and try to tune into the subconscious in my body without letting it over power me.
I am also going to make a practice over the next few weeks of seeking joy. I am sick to death of suffering and pain. Just for today I want a little more of the good stuff!!!
Emerging From The Dark Night 