We all probably like to feel we have a handle on things in life but lately I am seeing life is just so downright unpredictable and hard to gauge that just when I think I know what is going on, I am surely going to be disappointed or proven to be mistaken. I am also feeling a schism between my heart and head lately and that’s par for the course with my Leo Aquarius nodes. I tend to read a lot as a way to try and ‘figure out life’. That is fine on one level but I do wonder if I had had parents or educators who got me and helped me connect to my own emotional truth at a heart and gut level if I would have had to or felt the need to read so much. I have foundered in the emotional realm and learned early on to use substances or look to substances and things in the absence of human connection. And so I guess I also struggle with empathy for others or knowing what is going on without projecting my own experience onto them.
That is why its important for me to be around those who ‘get’ me and lately I have someone in my life who does that. He doesn’t blame me, or tell me to feel differently, he always just says “I understand your feelings” and when I try to say something that is my fault, which is not my fault he tells me, “Deborah its not your fault!” Well I just broke down and cried this afternoon when the text came through from him saying this. It just melted my heart.
The guy in question is Scott and he want to return all money now. He just told me that if he knew things were going to go to pear shaped with trying to get out of his contract for deployment early he would not have asked for my help. He also said its the only way I am going to believe he is real. So soon I will have that evidence, I hope.
Its so hard in this day and age to know who or what to believe. I just think at times though there must be an instinctive, intuitive part of ourselves that just ‘knows’ what is true for us but over rides or dismisses it. Some say its the difference between the higher self (heart/gut) and ego (intellectual head trip!) . It takes time to tune into this heart and gut centred knowing in a society where we were discouraged from it. Where we were led to believe we cannot know, or trust ourselves. God knows its complex.
I was also wondering today if sometimes those people who cause extreme events such as attacks and deaths are some kind of agent of God. We recently had a stabbing in Melbourne here in Australia and the perpetrator said he heard the voice of God telling him to do it. I know it was probably a psychotic delusion but some really healing things have come out of this fatal stabbing, for example a homeless man who tried to leap to the aid of the victim by pushing his trolley into him is now being assisted by the community who started a go fund me page for him, to date it has raised over 60,000 dollars. This ties in with the Buddhist idea that the line between right and wrong, bad and good, and good and evil is not that clear and the idea that often good things come out of bad and some bad things come out of the good. The truth is that it is never just black and white.
At times we are forced to choose which side of the fence to sit on and at others we can vacillate knowing that its a precarious decision with no clear cut solution. What can we do then? Where do we turn to? Who can we trust? The truth is we can only make a decision but we can never fully know the consequences of such until the decision is taken. Life is just not clear cut in any way. And sometimes our feelings lead us astray and sometimes out best thinking does too.
Emerging From The Dark Night 