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We all struggle : and I am struggling today

We all struggle So why not go gently?  This is a reminder to myself I get to the point at times where my needs get so overpowering and my feelings so intense and then I am seeing how I can lay them on others.   I don’t know why I over react the way I do but I will just react to a message with some knee jerk scatter gun off the cuff response and its only later that I see how out of control it is and also out of proportion to anything the person said.  It is getting to the point that I am feeling that it would honestly be for the best if I don’t reply to anything at all, just lock myself up in my room and have as little interaction with the world as possible,  because the only way I can truly find peace is within my own skin.

Honestly, lately I feel my most valuable companion in the world is actually my dog Jasper, we have the nicest times just stting quietly in silence and the times I feel happiest are just walking with him by my side in nature watching the joy that flows out from him. I know no man or woman is an island but lately again I am just finding all human relationships where any need or demand is expressed all too much.  Scott has just told me today he wants to return all my money to me and then ran off to patrol with not a single explanation as to why.   I got so upset and sent about 40 message to him swinging from upset to self flagellation to thoughts of suicide and as I read it back it really kind of makes me smile however pver the past 7 hours of sending them I did cry a lot.   I cried due to the longing I repressed to be part of a partnership again.  To be no longer on my own, despite the fact I had been fearful earlier in the week of how I would cope if he actually arrived here.

All I have done the whole way through is express a million fears and it must be exhausting for someone to try to related to someone who is just FEARFUL OF EVERYTHING.   I keep thinking the guy must be completely mad to want to be with someone with my issues.  Is the guy a masochist?  Then I wonder why I am settling for a ‘relationship’ with someone who I can only text between (possibly) 3 and 5 pm and 7.30 and 8 pm. and if I am lucky 7 and 8 am.   Its not a lot of time to get to know another person and yet there is this bond between us that I just cannot describe.  At the same time it is hurting me so much to long for someone who is NEVER PHYSICALLY THERE and as I think about it I realise its just like my childhood all over again, longing and wishing and hoping my Mum and Dad or siblings would come home or want to spend any time at all with me and being consistently disappointed.  The pain was so deep today it was so deep in my gut I was doubled over with it, it really was and I could not help but feel all of this was designed to take me right back to my core wound as I am sure my Chiron was being triggered by the transiting square Moon today and this tallies with what I read in Aquarian Spirals blog on the New Moon in Scorpio.

Anyway, this loneliness in my soul is real but its not the whole of me.  I seem to be going in and out of it.  It is my wound and I am stuck with it.  The best I can do is show compassion to myself without getting stuck in self pity or over indulgence and try not to act it out too much on innocent bystanders!!!

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Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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31 thoughts on “We all struggle : and I am struggling today”

  1. I’ve gone through similar long distance relationship, it was very very hard, I almost had a break-down. To keep waiting for calls, texting it just was crazy but then when it got over and started dating a guy who was physically present, i realized what I had lost in long distance relationship. The relationship was more in my mind and virtual than in reality….

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    1. Yes, Tanya it occurred to me that I am settling for this today and there are other options. I need to remember I am not entirely powerless in this situation. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. He told me from June he would move back to Australia but I sent the final money last week and now it seems there is another reason. I may need to call time on it soon. ❤

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      1. You are trusting him at every step like I did, but I was fooled, there was so many excuses..for 3 years he kept saying, I am coming…but he never did and would just vanish in between…
        and then he will pop and vanish, it was a vicious circle but because its was virtual and I spent so much emotionally because physical was no chance,,,omly emotions and emotions…

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  2. “At the same time it is hurting me so much to long for someone who is NEVER PHYSICALLY THERE and as I think about it I realise its just like my childhood all over again, longing and wishing and hoping my Mum and Dad or siblings would come home or want to spend any time at all with me and being consistently disappointed.  The pain was so deep today it was so deep in my gut I was doubled over with it, it really was and I could not help but feel all of this was designed to take me right back to my core wound”

    Jesus I could have written this word for word (as you know). It’s the worst pain ever isn’t it? Wanting and needing so desperately someone who can’t or won’t or isn’t there. It’s tapping you right back to that childhood pain – I know it doesn’t help right now, but I’m feeling this too – you are not alone. I’m here to hold your hand xx

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    1. Oh thank you so much for that. It really is so intense when we tap into inner childhood pain. I guess I really cant transfer this onto the current relationship when it belongs in the past, but it hurts so much. I know you know this and I really appreciate your kindness. Thanks again xoxo

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      1. I don’t think you’re transferring it onto the current, I think the current is just hugely triggering your unmet and unhealed sounds from childhood you know?

        I wish I could magic away our pain so much today xx

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  3. I’ve been on my own for almost 5 years now and I understand the overwhelming longing of wanting to have someone there who will love you and hold you but I would rather be alone than be in a destructive relationship. Love should be fulfilling, something that makes us happy – don’t settle for anything less, you don’t deserve anything less. Hugs xxx

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  4. You are so self-aware, and have such hurt that it’s not surprising you’re afraid of things and feel the way you do. A lot of the time I feel so disconnected and prefer to stay in my own bubble, safe from others and the world and with my own company because I have little else, and I’ve not been through the sort of trauma you have. But you’re absolutely right, you need to be kinder to yourself. That’s an order!! ❤
    Caz xx

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