Where does love go?

Where does love go

When all my thoughts go black

When I freeze and fear runs through my system

Like a cascade of frost and fire

And my vision becomes dark

All I can see is threat

As the sunlight vista disappears

And I am back again

In that place of deepest dread

Trapped in place

With pain driving me crazy

No escape

When it all gets too much

I shut the door

With a fury

Running away like a frightened child

Desperate to find a place of peace

Where I can just listen to the silence

And be soothed by the velvet of all alone

At times these demands you make of me

Just seem to much

And everything inside me just screams

  E N O U G H

And I forget it is love and desire

That fuels your fire

But I am now learning to distrust

Even this longing as love

When it only seems to hurt me so much

Why is it I react this way

Its as though the only way I know there can be happiness

Is to be alone

For all I have ever known

Is that we cannot make of another our source

And yet does not love long only for the presence of the other

To take comfort in their beingness

Its frightening me that now I am retreating again

And then it takes so long for tears to come

As I grieve all of those endings before

And feel the reality of the feelings I bury

Is it a mistaken or defensive belief that

No comfort of others lasts for ever

And we can only ever really make our home inside ourselves

Never permanently or safely within another?