Open wider

My heart broke open just a little wider for my sister and I today (this is last week now as I am posting and amending this post I didn’t post last week).  She stood quite unresponsive ringing her hands as we had to sort through Mum’s kitchen, with me in practical mode as an antidote the high seas of confusion my sis seemed to be finding herself tossed around within.  However as the afternoon progressed I became aware of what I was holding down under the surface of taking on the role of the one who steps in to make decisions where someone is just foundering and the cutting side angry side of myself alarmed me somewhat.

These kitchen pieces of my Mum’s we were sorting through hold so many associations and memories.  There is the antique egg beater from the 50s or 60s that we so often whipped cream with, there is the set of Rena Ware saucepans also from that time that she made us so many dinners with, the two cake tins and airing trays that used to hold her passionfruit sponge, a favourite with all of the family.  And so many other things.

A week later and we had another attempt to clean out the house.  This time we went through the laundry cupboard which was a testament to Mum’s obsession with cleanliness.  We must have found about 6 different kinds of cleaners in addition to the normal run of the mill every day ones.  We had a bit of a laugh when we found packets of cotton gloves (Mum used to like wearing these at night after rubbing cream onto her hands) and bags and boxes of latex ones.  Not quite sure what they were used for by I had a comic moment when we managed Mum dancing around the unit in cotton gloves like a black and white minstrel brandishing cleaning products. You would have had to live our childhood through to understand both the terror and humour in this and I actually had a bit of a terror flashback as my sister pulled out the fly squat, I think we may have got a wallop with this from time to time on the backside.

Yesterday I left Mum’s place feeling literally as if my head was going to explode.  We finally have most of Mum’s unwanted things in boxes ready for collection tomorrow by the Salvation Army. Again I was the one to step in and organise this even though my sis is the one moving into Mums place. Over lunch we bonded over many things and seem to be connecting in a loving way in a way we haven’t for years.  My sis seemed stronger yesterday, she wasn’t pulling on me as much and I was stepping out of the way to let her take charge of things.  I did cry more yesterday though, I don’t think I was behind as many defences as the week before.   When you have such a complex entangled history with a parent its difficult and my sister and Mum were closer and more connected than Mum and I as they worked together while Mum left me alone all the time on my own and in later years when I asked to join the family business was told I was not wanted.

That said in later years I was the one Mum could cry with and break down with.   Its a massive life transition losing your one surviving parent that is for sure and last night in bed I was really grieving deeply not only the loss but the deep emotional absences of childhood as well as the loss of my Dad all those years ago.  A void opened up in my life with his loss even though he never really connected to me emotionally or openly displayed much affection until his cancer diagnosis.  We are moving towards the anniversary of that in a month or so and the first anniversary of Mum’s death in December.   I know life is moving forward for me but at the moment I just seem to be crying A LOT!! I’d say its a good thing to finally own my feelings.  I don’t open up to my brother any more as I know I’d only get a lecture.   Scott is miles away and only in touch a couple of times a day by text (which I should be grateful for but last night was not.. I felt resentful but I would never tell him that as these are my feelings, not his responsibility at all).  My therapist is away for the week too which was hard but I am coping.  I nearly lost my second set of car keys today, I dropped them in the grass by the car after Jasper entangled me up pulling on the lead at the start of our long walk today.  Luckily Ifound them at the end of our walk (thank God!!)  after getting in trouble from a woman because Jasper barked at her grandson wanting to play soccer.   I left that encounter in tears so was grateful the keys turned up when we got back to the car.  I said a little prayer of thanks for that, because today losing my keys could have been the straw that broke the camels’ back (not that is a major drama by any means).   Grief is not easy but its easier to surrender and feel it.  When you do life seems a lot lighter in my experience and so I am very grateful I am feeling all of this through.  I know I will come through this transition if I also count my blessings along with any grief or pain I am feeling at present.