I seem to spend time apologising when I get annoyed about something that is rightly annoying or irritating to me. Luckily now I have a partner who tells me there is no need to apologise and takes responsibility for his part. I still wish I didn’t have to endure the beat up on myself as what I have realised lately is what a giving and caring person I am but how hard I find it to say no even when it would be better for me. But I am learning. That is all I can say lately. And my desire to be connected often made me even say yes to shit or crappy behaviour at times, certainly in past relationships.
It seems self love and self esteem have been a long time coming for me and discussing it with my therapist if they are not built into the person in youth its like a scaffolding is missing and it takes a lot of inner work to try and repair the all too shaky foundation. I will never get back what I missed out on growing up, the best I can do is own my wounds and weaknesses and try to encourage myself on my strengths.
I need to realise and constantly remind myself that I am only human, I have flaws and can be loved in spite of them. None of us is perfect and to demand perfection is a kind of violence really. Its far more humbling and grounding to be realistic and appreciative of the good things in others than constantly looking to flaws. Appreciation and gratitude are openers of locked blessings. And when I am low on compassion or appreciation for myself that is when I turn to my Higher Power and pray to be restored to sanity, which is really a grounded love and acceptance of the realities of this crazy life. And sometimes I need to watch my tendency to apologise for just being a human being with natural human limits.
Emerging From The Dark Night 