Reflections on Neighbourliness, solitude and the inner / outer relationship

Neighbourliness is probably not even a word (although Word Press seems to be accepting it now I added in a ‘u’)  but it’s on my mind today as is the feeling of comfort and softness that comes when others extend themselves in a state of open hearted generosity to invite you into their home or just open the door on a friendship.  Last night I was invited over to my Sri Lankan neighbour’s house for a Thermomix Demonstration followed by a simple dinner of what we made.  I was a bit apprehensive at first as I went to a Thermomix demo a few years ago and was a bit bored by it, but this  one last night was great.  We all got to participate and made a lovely berry sorbet, Brazilian cheese puffs and then a meatball dish and we had a hell of a lot of laughs, in fact the entire night was lighthearted and fun as my beautiful neighbour Anu has two gorgeous little girls and the oldest Sophie who is five is really coming out of her shell now and was very funny.  Anu’s older parents were there last night and they were so sweet, her Mum had made a gorgeous apricot and mulberry crumble which we ended up having with the sorbet.

After I came home and even while I was there I thought of the complete isolation from neighbours and family I have endured in my life ever since my husband and I decided to return from the United Kingdom.  I know that the deep dive into myself that began with his decision to leave me three years later took me to a lonely dark place that was partly personal but partly deeply ancestral and collective too.  I know that all of my life (and during that marriage) I found it hard at times to open up my home and reach out to invite people in.

The last time I tried in later life, a girlfriend let me down really badly at the last minute and I had a massive reaction over it, that was a few years ago.  I know there is a part of me that is barricaded and solitary and so enjoys the introversion of alone time where I can be left with my thoughts but I also know the other Aquarian side of me very much enjoys being around people and feeling a part of things.  Last night was a blessing for me after two tough mornings with things going on in my relationship and after having a very distressing conversation with my nephew on Friday night.

I guess in the end for me its all about balance between time with myself and time with others.  I can be a bit of an island at times.  In his book on attachment and intimacy Stan Tankin says people with this style of relating often grew up having to care for themselves because their parents made them feel they should not need or want anything, being an island we may look for solace with animals or in nature.  People with an island tendency  are more likely to feel invaded by others and can often respond not from an understanding place out a desire to push others and their problems and needs away and again distance (islands or avoidants often attract wave’s who constantly seek reassurance which the island will not give, but needs to learn to, since their own needs were denied others are not allowed to have them either).

Animals and nature are wonderful sources of sustainment but perhaps not the only ones.  For me time in nature with my dog is as essential as breathing.  Such moments allow me to touch the numinous world at times,  I get ecstatic moments like yesterday just sitting in the car with Jasper at my feet feeling the soft wind on my face.  These moments of islandhood are just sublime for me and I can often feel invaded in a relationship if I am not allowed them enough.  I get a bit anxious at the thought of someone wanting to me around me 24/7 and I don’t find it easy to make early morning commitments because I really value my quiet mornings where I can touch base with my soul.

On the opposite side of the spectrum having time with neighbours and feeling the connections of caring, fun, joy and love are so nurturing and sustaining too.   We need these times and its good to be aware of how our neighbours are travelling (feeling), for example I just found out from Anu last night that one of our neighbours has broken her hip.  Its good to be aware and ask if the person may need some help from us while undergoing difficult circumstances in their lives.  Who knows if the person living alone has enough support, surely its not our responsibility or obligation entirely but in a caring world and if we have the time what a beautiful gift to be able to give, to offer some practical help?

Finding that balance between the part of us the needs connection and the part that needs solitary alone time to just feel the spirituality (spirit) immanent in life are so important for introverts and creatives.  This time helps us deepen into our soul, stir the well inside, or feel it rise up with words for a poem or images for a painting.  Just immersing ourselves in the quietness with an art form, such as a pencil, paintbrush or musical instrument is such a special soul pursuit for many of us.  We need these resources which feed our soul, that help us to feel connected, we need our inner life as well as our outer life.

We need our meaningful connections with others but when early relationships were a source of pain, why would we not have decided nature and animals were better company.  They never wanted to harm or hurt us, only be there for us silently listening.  We also need the deeper relationship with ourselves and our inner world for it is through this that we come to know the desires within which fuel us, the past wounds that have scarred us, the past losses that may have made us not only shut down but taken us on a deeper journey which extends beyond the sometimes superficial world of purely externally focused relationships with others who carry their own wounds and inner life and many hidden agendas that come out of these.  We can so easily become mixed up in it all if we are not fully conscious.  To know ourselves is a blessing, it helps us take the pressure off of others to fill or heal our past hurts, once we know what they are, then we can reach out from deep within them and ask or speak for what we need, even if it is alone time or more or less connection.

For myself, last night, the respite of neighbourliness filled my soul with joy.  It has made a quiet gentle morning alone at home with Jasper enjoyable too, it has also sparked a desire inside of me to be more willing to reach out to my neighbours and friends at times, because the sweet joy of connecting in love, joy and fun is such a healing balm for all the other stresses and troubles that so often occupy us in an increasingly fast paced world.  Now that I have a relationship with my inner world that is more secure and aware its easier for me to reach out without experiencing the fear of being taken over or flooded which was so much a part of my past due to porous boundaries and emotional sensitivity.  Through the gift of relationship and the gift of my inner world I am learning so very much about myself and others.