On Self rejection

I was in tears again the other morning as recent connections on my blog are helping me realise anew how much of my deeper self was rejected and my sensitivity as well growing up and as a result I learned just so much inner self rejection.  This self rejection is with me every morning and I blame myself for just being human which is so very sad.  I know my depth and dark is actually a gift but I can forget it.  I just had a chat to my cousin’s son about how difficult it can be to be sensitive in a hard world.   He has just finished school and is under pressure to get is resume done so he can look for work but he is finding it challenging as he told me today he lacks self confidence and has a lot of fear.  I shared how I know my own fear and lack of confidence has held me back at times too and sometimes there is a lot to be said for pushing through that barrier inside of us.

Sadly I think some of the most gifted of us on the creative side can often suffer in this way due to underrating or under valuing ourselves or feeling out of step with an externally focused modern Western society.  At times its just so important to ignore the Inner Critic/Saboteur or Killer energy that tries to abort any creative expression we want to put into the world.

I know a lot of my poems can still take a lot of time to be published as they sit in drafts being vetoed for publication by my Critic.  Later if I post one and get a lovely comment I am somewhat amazed.  Its a pain in the arse undervaluing yourself in this way because you are never free from a voice in your head arguing against and debating your every move and then its harder to be spontaneous.

All I can do lately is notice this self rejection when it starts up.  I can reject myself for having valid feelings in response to triggers because often I was told I didn’t feel the way I did, or if I reacted intensely I was being over the top.  What I am beginning to realise it that with my childhood I carried a hell of a build up of rejected feelings and frustrations that could then get triggered in the now.  Learning to unpack where its all coming from is a journey.  And I read somewhere once that when we are becoming conscious of repressed anger or feeling over self rejection and start to confront those those who personify these inner voices our original reactions are bound to be ‘over the top’ so to speak as we are doing integration work and it takes time to get down to the bottom of the accumulated load we have carried inside of us for years.  Things may feel like a tsunami at times and others may react to what they see as an over reaction which makes the situation worse if we don’t learn self validation.  There is no way anyone we don’t know very well and doesn’t understand our history is going to get it.  In the end the validation and championing we need absolutely must come from within.  Although for those of us severely disabled in our will energy in childhood we are going to need some external help to get to this point and over come the power of the inwardly hostile to the true self and real inner voices.